Remember back when you were a kid and your parents used to lecture you on the negative consequences of drug use? Well, if you’re like me, you probably grew up believing that weed was quite literally the devil’s lettuce, only to smoke a joint on your Year 12 Schoolies trip and realise your destiny as a full-blown stoner.
But as a result of recent conversations with my friends, it has become apparent to me that most of our parents (you know, the ones that convinced us that smoking one joint would literally end your life) were – and often still are – certified bong lords. And trust me, the only thing better than finding out your ‘rents love a cheeky joint is the stories of how people found out.
So, if you’re battling a nasty second-day hangover on this fine Monday morning and need something to inject some serotonin straight into your brain, I thought I’d compile some of the best stories of people finding out their parents were bong lords.
For obvious legal reasons (and so my mates don’t get banned from family Christmas), names have been removed.
“My dad was super into mushrooms/LSD/weed/speed and he always talks about it when he has one too many beers,” one person told me, adding that their dad was also a school principal.
As it turns out, multiple people said their parents left subtle hints that took literal decades for them to understand.
“Dad’s favourite song was Because I Got High and favourite movie was Half Baked. Somehow it took me 24 years to realise,” one person said.
“My dad had a set of beautiful scales that I used to play with that were to “count his blessings”, it took me years to click on,” another added.
And let’s not forget my friend who only knew what weed smelled like because it was basically her uncle’s Eau De Parfum.
“It was my uncle, but the first time I ever smelt weed at a friend’s house I was like “hey, this place smells like my uncle.” And that’s when I realised he loves the bong life,” she said.
They say a picture is worth 1000 words, but you simply cannot put a price on a picture of your parents with a huge joint in their hands, can you?
“I took a photo of Mum in the 70s with a huge joint to Show & Tell at school not knowing what it was,” a friend told me.
Similarly, a pic of dad holding a giant bong is always a gift.
“The caller ID photo for my dad is him in 1985 in an Adidas tracksuit holding a bong and it has been that way for at least 10 years,” another said.
Unsurprisingly, most of the submissions I received were from people whose parents were just shithouse at hiding their evidence.
“When I was a kid I found a bag of weed in the glove box of our car. Being a kid I didn’t really get what it was, but I gave it to my mum and she thanked me and through it in the bin, I went to check in the bin later and it was gone,” one person said.
“I found a huge ass bong in their bathroom one morning,” another added.
“I was 6 and found a shoebox with a pretty purple “vase”. My parents freaked tf out,” a third person told me.
And, my personal favourite, the “tomato” plants that were something a little more fun than The Simpsons’ tomacco.
“I found dad’s “tomato” plants before I was 10,” another friend told me.
And you’ve simply gotta hand it to the handy dad who DIY’d a hotboxing room in the garage.
“I found a secret hotboxing room built into the shed.”
On the contrary, another friend only found out his dad was a giant bong lord when his dad found *his* stash.
“When I was a teen and had a bong hidden in a gap in the wall in my room, Dad found it one day… and then mocked me because the cone on it was tiny,” he said.
Last, but certainly not least, we simply must pour one out for my dear friend who simply replied to my call-out with the following:
“Idk man, probably when they went to jail.”