All sharehouses have a few key common characteristics: at least three cheese graters floating around the kitchen – none of which were purchased by any current resident of the house, a minimum of two bottle caps on the mantle (source unknown), and an IKEA Kallax shelving unit. More than likely multiple.
The Kallax – and the mighty Expedit before it – is the undisputed heavyweight champion of sharehouse furniture. It is as vital to the balance of the household as paying the internet bill on time. And let me be very clear about this: the Kallax does not need to reside in common spaces for it to work its magical charms. Just the mere presence of it, in any room in the house, provides spiritual harmony.
So when the time comes to let one go, it is a momentous occasion, and not a decision to be made lightly.
One Melbourne man has given his beloved 4×4 Kallax the tribute it deserves, by listing on Facebook Marketplace with a description fit only for the King of flatpacks.
As pointed out by Twitter user @alben, the listing resides under the fittingly grand title “Extremely rare and iconic one of a kind shelving unit.” And there’s not a single word out of place in any of that.
The description, however, is the real winner here.
“Today I present to you – the bespoke Ikea Kallax shelf,” this Frost-like stanza begins. Through its lilting highs and harrowing lows, the listing describes the unit as “the hallmark of a sharehouse,” “the bane of a hard rubbish collectors’ existence,” and “a better dust collector than a Dyson.”
This particular unit even happens to be a treasured antique, having been “passed down through generations,” with whoever winds up receiving the shelf to be the unit’s third owner.
The entire literary journey – in all its glory and splendour – is as follows:
“Today I present to you – the bespoke Ikea Kallax shelf. The quintessential piece of a millennial’s furniture collection. The hallmark of a sharehouse. The bane of a hard rubbish collectors’ existence. A better dust collector than a Dyson. The termites won’t even touch it.
Put it on its side, bottom or even top – it’s a cube – it doesn’t fucking matter. It’s just that versitile.
Yes, that’s right, this bad boy is up for grabs in all its recycled Scandinavian glory. You could be the third owner of this sturdy fucker. Tried, tested and passed down through the generations. All with a lifetime guarantee of being able to store shit. You can fit so much spaghetti in there. And the best part is you don’t even have to put the bastard together.
Save yourself a trip to aisle J51 and take it off my hands. Cheers.”
If owning such a piece of home decor magic sounds like the right move for you – or if your sharehouse’s emotional chi has a Kallax-shaped hole in it – you might still be able to get hold of it by peeping the Facebook Marketplace listing here.
Seldom do these opportunities for spiritual fulfilment come around. It’d be wise to capitalise while you can. Fortune favours the bold.