If you thought you were having a bad week, please behold this tragic and yet hilarious tale of #SprinkleGate: a story of a British bakery finding out that its beloved, possibly even famous, sprinkles are actually *checks notes* illegal?

Our story begins on Monday 4 October, when Get Baked (a bakery in Leeds, England) posted an update to its Facebook page about why it would be closed for a day — apparently, someone reported the shop for using illegal sprinkles.

“This weekend has been utterly sensational, we’ve had customer visits from countless cities, sold fuck tonnes of Bruce in various forms, oh and not to mention a lovely visit from Trading Standards on Friday after someone reported us for using what are apparently illegal sprinkles,” the post reads.

In case you’re wondering, Bruce is the name of a fucking giant chocolate cake the bakery is famous for. Honestly, I’ve never seen a more fitting a name. It really do be looking like a Bruce.

Anyway, back to the illegal sprinkles.

According to Get Baked, the sprinkles it uses are imported from the US and contain colours that aren’t allowed in England.

“I realise how insane this is,” a comment posted by the page reads.

“Unfortunately, I am only prepared to use them and no others. If I can’t use them, I won’t use any. I will be on sprinkle strike and won’t budge for no man.”

“Anyone who’s into sprinkles will know what I’m on about,” the author continues, in a rant that honestly deserves to be framed.

“Sprinkles you can get in this country are totally shit. They look wank, they bake wank. Birthday Bruce will never be the same again. I’ve genuinely lost sleep over this. Not to mention the Raspberry Glazed Donut Cookie. Don’t even get me fucking started. I’ll tell you one thing though. If this doesn’t result in a new T-shirt slogan I’m hanging up my fucking hat. Done and done.”

There’s nothing I enjoy more than people choosing absolutely fucking bizarre hills to die on, and illegal sprinkles is definitely the cream of the crop when it comes to these types of passions. Go off!!!

#SprinkleGate came to a head yesterday, when Get Baked announced the genuinely tragic news that they must cease using their beloved sprinkles immediately, aptly announcing: “British sprinkles just aren’t the same, they’re totally shit and I hate them.”

“I am extremely passionate about sprinkles,” the update continues. (Oh really? We hadn’t noticed).

“I need to think this one over, we will obviously need to make some adjustments to the menu in order to compensate for this truly horrendous ordeal. One option, where the RGDC’s are concerned, is to glaze them as normal, but just not use sprinkles. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

“To whoever reported us to Trading Standards, (Dan?) all I have to say is, dear lord, what a sad little life Jane. My daughter, who is now 7 months, has to live with the fact that daddy can’t take her to Disneyland, because man can’t sell any fucking cookies.”

It’s the ‘(Dan?)’ that absolutely sent me, which is already hilarious with zero context, but even funnier when you get the reference.

Yes, Dan is a petty ex-customer that has become a joke in the Get Baked community. Yes, I scrolled through weeks of Get Baked’s posts on FB, and hundreds of fan comments just giggling at the Dan memes and pretending that I, a random gal in Australia, am part of this little in-joke.

In a way, if we factor in Dan, the story ends where it started — and really, isn’t that how all beautiful narratives do?