Aussies are coming up with their own local equivalents for Four Seasons Total Landscaping, the random Philadelphia business tucked between a sex shop and a crematorium which Donald Trump‘s presidential campaign accidentally booked instead of the Four Seasons Hotel for one of its final, chaotic press conferences.
In case you missed it, instead of booking the five-star hotel, the campaign instead got Trump’s attorney Rudy Giuliani to address the press outside a disheveled-looking garage on the outskirts of town, which beautifully summed up the campaign’s flailing incompetency.
But what would an Aussie Four Seasons Total Landscaping look like? Where would we witness the crony of a failed Prime Minister give a final stump speech in, say, Melbourne?
In response to a Twitter poll asking where our own personal campaigns would give a final, disasters press conference, Aussies on Twitter have been scouting out (sub-)prime locations in Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra and beyond.
Take Stanmore Macca’s (the carpark, specifically). It’s the great equaliser of Sydney’s Inner West, and an ideal spot for a presidential demise.
stanmore mcdonalds car park https://t.co/MWPu30gFrn
— f*gatha christie (@bigdyke_energy) November 9, 2020
There’s something about the drive-thru bottle shop of Ulladulla’s Marlin Hotel that really screams “rock bottom”, too.
a converted Pizza Hut restaurant, or the drive-thru bottle shop of the Marlin Hotel https://t.co/CX5Jb723Va
— screamy (@courtwhip) November 9, 2020
In Melbourne, Kmart at Northcote Plaza is one option that is sure to evoke the mania of the Trump campaign.
The Northcote Plaza Kmart, and my last stand is me holding the roller doors open with my body, screaming https://t.co/YIbtNKyZNK
— Kaitlyn "the mask goes over your nose" Blythe (@BlytheByName) November 9, 2020
For something a little upmarket, we have the Coogee Bay Hotel, ground zero for the poo ice cream scandal that rocked the nation.
The Coogee Bay Hotel https://t.co/Qi2nED7G6u
— Rob Stott (@Rob_Stott) November 9, 2020
Meanwhile, Rudy Guiliani would be right at home in the smoking area of Canberra’s Hellenic Club.
Hellenic Club Canberra City smoking area https://t.co/gGCWiJQ2c2
— policeman frustrated with late xbox preorder (@SEIFFERTOVAL) November 9, 2020
But nothing says ‘frazzled and chaotic presidential campaign’ like the humid breezes inside Sydney’s Central station, with the perfect musical accompaniment.
sydney central station corridor, next to an ancient woman playing the mandolin https://t.co/q321nHuLc8
— emma ✨ (@balfies) November 9, 2020
Granties Maze on the NSW South Coast is also an excellent blend of dinky and cursed for a time like this.
Granties Maze in all its haunted glory https://t.co/INBc3fYm4n
— Michael Di Iorio (@michaeldiiorio1) November 9, 2020
This one I don’t totally get. Ogalo is good, even if it is just bootleg Oporto.
the ogalo on king street https://t.co/sNC9bMSXhS
— Monica Quirk (@monicaaquirk) November 9, 2020
Of course, a beautiful parallel exists between Trump’s failed campaign and the demise of Sizzler in Australia.
A shut down sizzler https://t.co/vl0vZ9A6Eo
— Maxibon (@thiscassgirl) November 9, 2020
But for downright mysteriousness, you can’t beat Ivan’s Fashions in Canberra.
inside Ivan's Fashions https://t.co/3NWVZPoUp8
— Dave (@Mesut_Ausil) November 9, 2020
The same can be said for Dracula’s Cabaret on the Gold Coast, which lowkey looks like one of Trump’s tacky casinos.
— Peter Taggart (@petertaggart) November 9, 2020
And, if I may: my own contribution to the trend. Just imagine Peta Credlin vouching for Tony Abbott outside the massive bead shop on Parramatta Road in Sydney five years ago.
parramatta rd bead shop https://t.co/TavCBxpZRQ
— Zac Crellin (@zacrellin) November 9, 2020