Today’s absolutely useless Twitter argument that I am far too deeply invested in is whether Batman eats pussy – and sorry to disappoint y’all, but I’m convinced he does not.
It all started when Variety reported that one of the executive producers on HBO Max’s Harley Quinn series said DC made them delete a scene where Batman goes down on Catwoman.
Harley Quinn executive producer and co-creator, Justin Halpern, told Variety that there’s way more leeway with how you use villains in stories than heroes, and used an example of a scene where Batman was meant to go down on Catwoman.
“And DC was like, ‘you can’t do that. You absolutely cannot do that,’” Halpern said.
“They’re like, ‘heroes don’t do that,’ so we said, ‘are you saying heroes are just selfish lovers?’ They were like, ‘No, it’s that we sell consumer toys for heroes. It’s hard to sell a toy if Batman is also going down on someone.’”
One of the problems is that Batman can’t move his neck.
— Gail Simone 💙💛 (@GailSimone) June 15, 2021
Technically, according to the canon of the show, Batman would have eaten pussy, yet was prevented – but honestly, Batman not going down on a woman seems pretty on brand to me, and I am here to argue my case.
First of all, let’s talk about Batman as a superhero.
I mean, this man is the worst hero. It’s a pretty common theme for Batman to question himself and if he’s actually made a positive impact, and spoiler alert: he has not. Despite his vigilantism (ugh), crime seems to be never-ending, and he keeps fighting the same villains, or people inspired by those villains. Villains who, I’d like to point out, are often created by being part of marginalised and poor communities.
Batman is a super rich, middle-aged white man who has the resources and capacity to uplift his community and remove the circumstances that actually create criminals in the first place, but instead he goes out and beats up poor, disabled villains. Who wouldn’t exist if he just, you know, helped poor people.
Honestly, fuck this guy.
https://twitter.com/papasombra/status/1404694624934023174?s=20
Anyway, a billionaire who keeps his city in poverty so that he has someone to beat up on the weekends is certainly the kind of guy to not bother getting your coochie wet before he fucks you, and I’m sure he doesn’t wear condoms or help with the clean up either.
Am I really supposed to believe that Bruce Wayne, who spends his time lamenting how hard being a billionaire is, fighting marginalised villains that exist because of him, and making ridiculously expensive tech while the city he ‘protects’ is in shambles, eats pussy????
The only, and I mean ONLY, version of Batman that *would* prioritise pussy pleasure is Robert Pattinson‘s, because he is pure and lovely and I trust him.
Robert Pattinson’s Batman would.
— MattWillPost (@MattPostSaysHi) June 15, 2021
Any other arguments, including this one that made me actually snort, are fodder.
You cannot tell me Batman’s mask wasn’t made specifically for cunnilingus pic.twitter.com/UsIQd29xDq
— Ben Mekler (@benmekler) June 15, 2021
The entitlement that comes with being a billionaire white man would bleed into every part of Batman’s life, including his sex life, and I will die on this hill.
