I interrupt your regular PEDESTRIAN.TV programming with an important announcement: Dionne Warwick’s Twitter is *iconic* and you simply must stop what you’re doing and stalk her IMMEDIATELY.
If you’re somehow unfamiliar with Dionne, she’s an American singer, actress, television host and the internet’s surrogate auntie. She’s given us absolute bangers like Say A Little Prayer and is just an all-round legend.
I am everyone’s Auntie. ❤️
— Dionne Warwick (@dionnewarwick) January 2, 2021
But what I didn’t know until recently, is that our 80-year-old chaotic queen has entered the chat on Twitter, and (of course) she’s slaying the game.
The tweet that really kicked it off for me is when she asked the question we’ve all been thinking: if Chance The Rapper is *really* a rapper, why does he need to clarify that he is – in fact – a rapper?
Hi, @chancetherapper. If you are very obviously a rapper why did you put it in your stage name? I cannot stop thinking about this.
— Dionne Warwick (@dionnewarwick) December 5, 2020
She has also decided that she’s coming for anyone with the word ‘The’ in their name. It remains unclear if Megan Thee Stallion is safe.
If you have “The” in your name i’m coming for you. I need answers today.
— Dionne Warwick (@dionnewarwick) December 5, 2020
Despite being 80-years-old, Warwick continues to prove that age is just a number, and that she can keep up with the ~kids~ and their trends. Case in point: Animal Crossing.
Animal Crossing. Thank you. What is the point of this? Do you win?
— Dionne Warwick (@dionnewarwick) December 17, 2020
If that wasn’t enough to tickle your fancy, she also likes to humble-brag about her famous friends.
Does Idris have a Twitter? pic.twitter.com/IVd7ceJx5L
— Dionne Warwick (@dionnewarwick) December 18, 2020
Exhibit B: Nicki Minaj.
I hope @NICKIMINAJ likes my hair. It is very different now.
— Dionne Warwick (@dionnewarwick) December 29, 2020
Dionne is more than happy to give credit to her millennial mates, who taught her how to use the cursed bird app, but she will also flex that she basically ~created~ said millennial.
Yes, a millennial taught me to Tweet…but just remember that I threw that same millennial’s baby shower. I’ve been around a while. Auntie knows a thing or two.
— Dionne Warwick (@dionnewarwick) December 21, 2020
But it’s also worth noting that Dionne is out here doing the ~Lord’s~ work. And by that, I mean she’s asking Jack Dorsey to give us a bloody edit button already. (Jack, who is *definitely* an avid Pedestrian.TV reader – givvus an edit button you coward).
I am sure @jack has better things to do, but if he did decide to create an “edit” feature that would be nice. 🙂
— Dionne Warwick (@dionnewarwick) January 4, 2021
Oh, and she gives me regular reminders *not* to touch the stove. No matter how badly you want to do it, it’ll be hot and you *will* burn your hand.
Do not touch a stove and wonder why your hand is hot. I am 80 and getting smarter all the time (thanks to you all).
— Dionne Warwick (@dionnewarwick) January 11, 2021
Don’t be mistaken though, if you’re caught tweeting something nasty, Dionne will throw your ass in Twitter jail. You’ve been warned.
You can explain to your friends that you can’t hang out (post-covid) because Dionne Warwick got you grounded for your unsavory tweets.
— Dionne Warwick (@dionnewarwick) January 4, 2021
The internet has been an awful place lately, and I’m not kidding when I say that Dionne is the palate cleanser I have depended on to get through all of this madness.
Dionne, my sweet, sweet angel. Thank you for your service.
