I don’t live in Melbourne but I’ve heard reports of a terrifying epidemic taking over the streets. One that’s more terrifying than foot-and-mouth disease, the novel coronavirus and the superflu combined. A virus which makes the Black Death look like nothing more than a sniffle. It’s a Crime Stoppers Victoria campaign that consists of posters slapped across the city and TikToks which are trying to encourage young people to report offences by… yassifying it.

The campaign — called “Evidence Dump”, inspired by the photo dump trend — launched in June with the help of Bullfrog Media.

Essentially, the point is that teeny boppers will inadvertently catch crime in the background of their outfit checks or vlogs.

À la The Daily Telegraph asking TikTok why it’s hard to secure a bag, it’s giving narc.

“This is completely different to anything we have done at Crime Stoppers but we wanted to try something new to reach a young audience,” Crime Stoppers Victoria marketing and communications manager Catherine Palermo told PEDESTRIAN.TV.

“It is important that the next generation understand how they can report crime information anonymously and contribute to making Melbourne safer.”

True! But normal, regular young people are being co-opted to do the work of cops. And it’s extremely cringe.

@crimestoppers.vic Do you have crimes on your camera roll? Create your own #evidencedump and share it with Crime Stoppers. #evidencedump #crimetok #truecrime #FYP #photodump ♬ i want it i got it – Official Sound Studio

Just off the bat, the only crimes which should be reported are crimes against fashion because those fits fucking blow chunks. I don’t want to hear any “but it’s Melbourne!” bullshit. This Grandma Yetta from The Nanny-ass jacket and Princess Diana-esque knee high boots are NOT the serve Crime Stoppers Victoria thinks it is.

Screenshot of a TikTok of a girl walking towards camera wearing a bright jacket in front of a mural
NOT A SLAY. Picture credit: TikTok /
crimestoppers.vic

And how many drug deals is this girl realistically planning on stopping wearing a beret? I’ve got nothing wrong with a beret; I would go as far to say they’re gorgy.

Screenshot of a TikTok of a girl posing wearing a blue beret, denim dress and white blouse
Free this poor girl. Picture credit: TikTok /
crimestoppers.vic.

But “pinging drug dealers” and “wearing a beret” are two diametrically opposed concepts. If she tries confronting anyone they will literally just yank that thing off her head and throw it away like a frisbee.

Per a statement on AdNews, Bullfrog creative director Daniel Sparkes said: “To avoid the old ‘hey fellow kids’ trap, we had to make sure everything looked and sounded like something you’d find on a ‘For You Page’.”

Look, I’m going to have to stop you right there Daniel. I’m not here to yuck anyone’s yum but taking selfies in an antiques shop and what looks like a laundromat on a Saturday night is extremely abnormal FYP content.

@crimestoppers.vic Do you have crimes on your camera roll? Create your own #evidencedump and share it with Crime Stoppers. #evidencedump #crimetok #truecrime #FYP #photodump ♬ Caution – Instrumental Version – Skrxlla

As is catching a thief while filming an alleged “kick check” at your job selling sneakers.

@crimestoppers.vic Do you have crimes on your camera roll? Create your own #evidencedump and share it with Crime Stoppers. #evidencedump #crimetok #truecrime #FYP #photodump ♬ Level Up – Kwe the Artist

Maybe if there was a way to combine reporting crime with the TikToks of horses having their hooves cleaned, then I’d be listening. But until then besties, it’s a certified flop

Source: TikTok / crimestoppers.vic / Crime Stoppers Victoria