Ranking The Royals By How Likely It Is They Said The Racist Thing Bc It Was Fookin One Of Yas

Someone – or someones – in the royal family raised concerns over ‘how dark’ Meghan Markle and Prince Harry‘s mixed-race baby would be. In their sit-down interview with Oprah Winfrey, both Meghan and Harry refused to name names. However, Oprah has since confirmed that Harry told her off-camera it was not the Queen or Prince Philip (shocker, I know). Which raises the question: which one of these gremlins was it?

A quick recap – here’s what they said:

Meghan: There were “concerns and conversations about how dark his skin might be when he’s born”, and it would be “very damaging” to the person who made them if that knowledge were to become public.

Harry: “That conversation I am never going to share.”

Oprah: “What?”

So if it wasn’t Philip or Lizzie, then who was it?

To quote a modern-day poet: it was fookin one of yas.

Prince William

“[Don’t say the quiet part out loud don’t say the quiet part out loud don’t say–] HEY HARRY” (Image: Getty / Samir Hussein)

Lots of people think Prince William is a likely contender, but personally, I don’t buy it. The man has been preparing for the role of King his entire life (and raising the next King for the past seven years), so I don’t think he’d be dumb enough or racist enough or even care enough to worry about his brother’s baby’s skin tone. Moving on.

Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie

I just know these two started the splinter group chat to bitch about the family one. (Image: Getty / Chris Jackson)

I’ve put these two together because for the life of me, I can never remember which one is which without first checking. Beatrice is the one who wore the pink jellyfish hat to the 2011 royal wedding. Eugenie wore the blue beak.

Did they do it? My money is on no. First of all, at least one of them is mates with Meghan IRL, and second of all, they’re not one thousand years old and would probs just put that in the WhatsApp chat.

Prince George

Would he? Could he?

prince george
“Ooops did I say that?”

Arguments for: he’s the future king, is definitely a shit-stirrer and is related to nearly every single royal you hate.

Arguments against: he’s a literal child.

Camilla Parker-Bowles

“I’d have voted for Obama three times if I could” (Image: Getty / Chris Jackson)

“Charles,” she might say over lunch, as the footman takes away her barely touched cured salmon and replaces it with pheasant (shot that morning by Camilla herself), “Charles – whatever happens if the baby’s Black?”

“That’s a very good question, dear,” Charles might say, not listening. He makes a mental note to check with Harry later.

Prince Edward

I have nothing witty to say here, I’ll be honest. (Image: Getty / Max Mumby)

Much like Oprah, I too have watched The Crown. Prince Edward came across as a pathetic weasel. I know the royal family claimed The Crown is purely a work of fiction, but they didn’t specifically mention Edward’s snivelling little rich boy portrayal so I have no choice but to assume it’s fact.

Also: I looked up photos of Prince Edward in Getty Images and it showed me Prince Andrew instead, so now I reckon Eddie has an inferiority complex and might be racist just to get some attention.

Here he is in The Crown. Poor Angus Imrie, an actor destined to play snivelling creeps until he hits puberty.

Prince Charles

This man is about to explain the history of the n-word to me. (Image: Getty / Daniel Leal )

Woofity woofity fucking woof. If it was Prince Charles, and that news came out – well, it would blow the tampon phone sex scandal out of the water. The general vibe (a very accurate measurement) is that Charles definitely Did It, but here’s why I think they’re wrong. Harry said his dear old dad stopped taking his calls for a while, after he and Megs stepped back as senior royals. After seeing Harry in full supportive husband mode, I don’t think he’d be that desperate to get Charles on the blower if he was the one making dumb-ass racist comments about his son.

I’m not saying it didn’t happen, I just have my hesitations.

Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge

“Oh my god ya, I can’t believe I just said that” (Image: Getty / Frank Augstein )

Controversial, but hear me out. Reading between the lines on the Meg and Haz interview, it sounded like Kate was jealous Meghan was coming along and doing her job better than her. Maybe she thought a mixed-raced baby would equally beat out her kids in the royal approval ratings they do every bloody week. (Prince Andrew’s approval rating is sitting at 6%. Lol.)

Prince Andrew

Gremlin if I ever saw one (Image: Getty Images / Steve Parsons)

Originally I was going to say there was no way this fucker is opening his mouth about anything at the moment. Moving on.

However, it’s occurred to me that the comments were made while Meghan was pregnant. She gave birth to Archie in May 2019, well before the Jeffrey Epstein scandal re-emerged and his connection to Prince Andrew was thrown into the spotlight. (For legal reasons, I should say Andrew denies any wrongdoing.) So given we know Andrew is prone to making idiotic comments like “I don’t sweat”, could he have run his mouth about a mixed-race baby in the royal family? My money is on yeah, probs.

(Disclaimer: I know there’s more royals but if I have to rank every single one then we’ll be here till the cows come home. Is Zara Tindall secretly racist? Who knows? Not I.)