When I opened TikTok today, I was hoping to see some some harmless shit. You know, Timothée Chalamet transformation make-up tutorials, harmonicas getting stuck in peoples’ mouths, and the like.

Alas, I was exposed to something a lot more terrifying. TikTok user @weirdracoongirl has set the internet ablaze after posting a video depicting a pack of raccoons, literally waiting outside a door in the backyard at night with high-beams on. Spine-tingling shit.

And here’s the thing. I don’t dislike raccoons. They’ve done nothing to hurt me in the past – I like to think that we’re civil.  It’s the sheer number of them, so close to the door, that kills me. And their high beams. Their terrifying high beams.

This Viral TikTok Ft. A Pack Of Backyard Raccoons Is The Most Haunting Thing On The Internet
I have stage fright.

“You can pat them,” a person says at one point, who I assume is the owner of the place, and subsequent raccoon whisperer.

“What do you mean they’re your babies?” another person asks, who I assume is not the owner of the place, nor raccoon whisperer.

“They’re like my children,” raccoon whisperer proudly boasts. “Some of them come up to you, see? They won’t bite.”

One raccoon approaches: “Ow, he bit me. Okay.” Yes, it literally fucking bit her. Here’s to hoping she’s vaccinated.

Check out the video below, and be thankful that we don’t live in that apartment, let alone hemisphere.

@weirdracoongirlI figured this is something everyone needs to see in 2020. #racoon #pets #petsoftiktok #mybaby #itdontbiteyesitdo #fyp♬ original sound – weirdracoongirl
Image: TikTok / @weirdracoongirl