In an article last year I listed the most precious of Australian virtues as blokesmanship, fairgoedness, bullshittery and matitude. Clearly, though, I left arguably one of the most important ones out: hooninism.
As much as we love blokesmanship, fairgoedness, bullshittery and matitude, we love hooninism more. Given the opportunity, we love both fanging it and having a bit of a hoon around. If our coat of arms had been designed post-1986, the two animals wouldn’t have been a kangaroo and an emu, they would have been a VL Commodore and the empty Macca’s carpark it was doing burnouts in.
While I personally celebrate the (responsibly exercised) practice of hooning, the Queensland Police Service do not, having set up the Hoon Hotline in 2010 in the hopes of exterminating this practice.
Queensland police has a dedicated hoon hotline, 13HOON, to which you can report hoons and counter hooning (you can also report hoons online) pic.twitter.com/NSBW61V5lI
— Elle Hunt (@mlle_elle) May 9, 2017
Like a lot of the more esoteric parts of Australian culture, some of it is a little hard to explain to outsiders – what exactly constitutes a hoon? Is it someone who drives irresponsibly? No, that could be just any fuckhead. Hooning is driving like an insane person for the sheer thrill of it. It’s closer to an art form than it is to a crime, although, in a lot of cases, it is definitely a crime.
For some reason, the Hooning Hotline surfaced as a topic on Australian Twitter and, understandably, this left the non-Australians that are subject to the monstrosity that is Australian Twitter shitposting, a bit perplexed:
TWO YEARS I’ve been in Australia and I have no clue what a “dedicated hoon hotline” could possibly be https://t.co/go8hDEGsVj
— Claire Phipps (@Claire_Phipps) May 9, 2017
this page… learn about hooninghttps://t.co/0vLozKeXW7
— Beast Jesu Li’l ?? (@karengeier) May 9, 2017
Australia has instituted an anti fast and furious force
Also lmao counter hooning pic.twitter.com/INZ2d3rA2j
— TAke a look y’all: (@edzitron) May 9, 2017
Australians and their damned words pic.twitter.com/SXN3Ub0qOd
— Roqayah Chamseddine (@roqchams) May 9, 2017
— Tim Donaghy (@CoachTravis83) May 9, 2017
Word of the day: Hooning https://t.co/qKx4rPcLBZ
— House Mobius (@MobiusLooped) May 9, 2017
tonight i learned about “hooning” and it’s as great as it soundshttps://t.co/KDV6rJTQMm
— Brian Hanson (smart) (@brian_hanson) May 9, 2017
The Aussies are talking about hooning again
— Mark (@haircut_hippie) May 9, 2017
this is the most baffling thing I’ve ever seen, and the replies to it add absolutely no clarity at all. it’s like I had a stroke https://t.co/ZlydWpKMqL
— jitka (@jitka) May 9, 2017
Obviously, we took a chance to take pride in this great national pastime:
welcome to 13HOON. if you know the name of the hoon you are dobbing in, press 1. to report an unfamiliar hoon, press 2
— crab eating nudle (@marrowing) May 9, 2017
@roqchams hooning is an essential cultural practice
— j.r. hennessy (@jrhennessy) May 9, 2017
I need a hotline to call right now!
— Colley (@JamColley) May 9, 2017
when the timeline is talking about hooning pic.twitter.com/7ng88IWsES
— Solid Take (@DirectingTitan) May 9, 2017
God bless this ridiculous country.
Photo: Fury Road.