Uber’s Doing Discount Package Deliveries This Weekend If You Need To Collect Stuff From Yr Ex

Jaded, petty and non-confrontational single folks rejoice! You’re finally able to retrieve your beloved Pitbull vinyl from your ex’s house without having to see their face or even lift a finger. Mr Worldwide must be returned to his rightful owner.

In light of National Singles’ Day, Uber’s slinging 50% off package deliveries for all of us scorned souls who want our stuff back, or who want to send an ex’s stuff back to them. Nothing says ‘dead to me’ quite like sending a car for your box of limited edition Sydney Summer Olympics pins.

To make use of the heavy discount between 9:30am – 9pm on Saturday Sep 24th (text your ex now ‘cos that’s tomorrow), here’s what to do:

  • If you’re sending a parcel, keep it under 20kgs and tape up that bad boi real tight
  • Select ‘package’ in the Uber app and whack ‘SINGLESDAY’ in the promo code section
  • Chuck in the address of your ex and all the normal jazz you usually do when using Uber
  • Meet the delivery person, load in the parcel and let your no-good, cheater-McGee ex know that the parcel’s coming
  • Go back inside, light a candle and rub one out to the only fond memories you have left

Admittedly, it gets a little trickier if you’re the ex who wants their stuff back. You’d have to reach out to them and see if they’re willing to Uber the stuff to your house which could pose a sticky situation, but on the flipside, it’s also a very legit excuse to reach out to them again.

Not to give you false hope, but I imagine the exchange could go a little something like this:

“Hey [Insert Ex-Who-We-Hate-But-Still-Secretly-Wanna-Bone Here], Uber’s got this package delivery thing running today, reckon you could send back my half of the baked potato we were going to eat on our wedding day?”

“Oh wow, I haven’t thought about that potato in years. Can you come over and get it?”

“I’m busy; Uber’s fine.”

“I don’t like the idea of losing half of the potato.”

“I didn’t like the idea of losing you, either.”

“Is there a way we could keep the potato whole?”

“I don’t know [Ex’s Name], is there?”

“I love you, my little spud.”

“I love you too, my tasty tater-tot.”

“Let’s never fight about potatoes again.”

See? Everyone gets their happy little ending, all you have to do is reach out and demand your stuff back (which conveniently arrives on the same day).

Suss out the T&Cs plus the locations Uber Package is available right here.