Two Carefully Crafted Movie Marathons Based On Whether You Like To Laugh Or Ugly-Cry-Scream

I’m not one to toot my horn (more than thrice a day) but if you’re looking for movie recommendations, I’m your man.

Just, uh, don’t ask my friends who claim I have “inconsistent taste”, they wouldn’t know a good movie if it broke into their room while they were sleeping and kissed them on the forehead. Idiots.

It just so happens that comedy and horrors are my two favourite genres. Namely, romcoms and horrors that aren’t too gory – jump scares are where it’s at.

Using my unofficial official expertise, I’ve crafted two separate lists of movies that will make you guffaw and scream-cry. I’m also going to steer clear of the classics because the last thing people need to see is Mean Girls on another list. Everyone knows that movie, it’s not a helpful suggestion.

Pro tip: if you’re planning on watching all of these at once and your wifi is craptacular because your parents refuse to move away from dial-up, drop an additional five bucks on Optus’ 24-hour Unlimited Data Day*. It does what it says on the tin – 24 hours of unlimited data.

A Guaranteed Chortle

National Lampoon’s European Vacation (1985)

My heart goes out to you if you didn’t religiously watch the National Lampoon movies growing up.

Sure, most people are aware of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation because it plays every damn year, but did you know the family (with different actors playing the kids) also ventured to Europe?

Vague plot: My memory’s a bit hazy about the exact shenanigans that go down, but I do recall laughing hysterically and there’s a brief ’80s montage at some point – hope that helps.

Game Night (2018)

I demand the utmost justice for Game Night. Throw the book at the general public who chose not to see this flick because it’s a jaunty modern comedy that’s wholly original. Plus, bonus points for it not being a remake in 2018, that was unheard of.

Vague plot: A group of pals (special shoutout to Rachel McAdams for flexing her comedic chops) get together for a run-of-the-mill games night that turns into a night filled with a blood-spattered dog, a gaping bullet wound and McAdams unwittingly holding a bar hostage.

I Love You, Man (2009)

If you’ve ever heard of one of your mates say the phrase ‘slappin’ da bass’, you’ve partially heard of I Love You, Man.

Vague plot: A socially-awkward serial-monogamist (Paul Rudd) realises he doesn’t have any close guy friends, so he sets out on a mission to find one. If you’re into second-hand embarrassment that makes you want to go into a temporary coma just to avoid it, you’re in for a treat.

Booksmart

While the comparisons between Booksmart and Superbad were inevitable, I’d be willing to go out on a limb by saying that Booksmart is both smarter and more entertaining than its (admittedly hi-larious) counterpart.

Vague plot: Two high school chums are nearing the end of 11th grade (our version of Year 12) and have realised that they haven’t lived a standard, ‘get-drunk-until-you-vomit-on-your-friend’s-mum’ student life so they try to make up for their lack of experience in a short space of time.

What We Do In The Shadows

It took me a while to get talked into watching What We Do In The Shadows because, admittedly, I hadn’t really heard of Taika Waititi at that point. As soon as I watched it though, I was a vampire-comedy convert.

Vague plot: Taika Waititi’s in it. That’s all you get.

The Heat

What is it with modern comedies being sold short because of the trailer? It truly does my head in because I, too, usually make a decision whether or not to see a movie based on the trailer.

Vague plot: Two cops with very different ideas of professionalism are forced to work together which results in Melissa McCarthy throwing a whole-ass watermelon at a perp when he tries to bail. I’m guilty of doing what production companies do though, as that vague plot does not do the movie justice.

Reno 911: Miami (2007)

I haven’t seen this movie since I was 15 so I’m not entirely sure how well it’s aged but I do know that there are so many outrageous moments that you’ll probably laugh like you’re 15 again, too.

Vague plot: An incompetent police force venture around Miami and their Seargent wears daisy dukes on the reg without anyone blinking an eye (the way it should be).

You’ll Scream Ya Jeans

Hush (2016)

I watched this movie three years ago while hungover and I’m warning everyone right now, do not watch this movie hungover. Or do. Don’t. Do? Don’t.

Vague plot: Maddie Young, a deaf woman living by herself in the woods (terrible idea regardless of hearing levels) is stalked and traumatised by a masked figure. Almost the entirety of the film plays out in silence (to emulate Young’s point of view) and just, no thank you. No thank you so much.

The Woman In Black (2012)

I’m not big on supernatural movies because I firmly believe that watching something that can’t possibly happen to you (like ghosts) is far less scary than watching something that can (like serial killers sewing your mouth shut). Woman in Black, on the other hand, gave me a sufficient amount of jump scares to ignore the supernatural aspect.

Vague plot: Harry Potter ventures to an old castle (not Hogwarts) and gets the shit scared out of him for over an hour-and-a-half.

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

To this day, I refuse to go on a road trip through a deserted mountainside infested with inbred mutants after watching The Hills Have Eyes (the offer arises more often than you’d think).

Vague plot: Claire from Lost goes on a jaunty drive through what looks like the set of Mad Max – if the set had radioactive inbreds hellbent on trapping tourists and ruining their (and the viewers’) lives. It’s a tough watch if you’re not into torture-porn which really, nobody should be.

The Grudge (2003)

Truth be told, I watched the Western remake of The Grudge before I watched the original Japanese version and the award for the most traumatic experience goes to the Japanese version.

Vague plot: An absolutely terrifying ghost-child is so disturbing that it wanted to make me get a vasectomy as soon as the credits started rolling.

The Invisible Man (2020)

Elisabeth Moss has never been in a bad movie or TV show. Ever.

Vague plot: A domestic-abuse survivor has to evade her billionaire abuser who just so happens to have invented a suit that makes him tricky (but not impossible) to see. It’s heavy.

The Descent (2005)

I’ve never liked the idea of trekking through underground caves, partly out of fear of being trapped, partly because bats are devil rats and partly because The Descent made it seem like the least appealing activity second to making friends with your neighbours (I refuse to make small talk every single time I take out the bins in my underwear).

Vague plot: Cave-divers make the stupid decision to cave-dive and obviously end up in a not-so-great predicament of, you know, being in hell.

Return To Oz (1985)

Technically a kids’ movie but in all honesty, it should belong in the horror section of the now-defunct Blockbuster with a massive warning label that reads, ‘You’ll have to comfort your crying child while you, yourself, cry.’

Vague plot: Little Dorothy goes to electro-shock therapy after telling everyone about her time in Oz. I’m not pulling your peen, they genuinely send her to the psych ward. That’s how this movie starts. And it gets so, so much more disturbing from there.

Rated G for God Have Mercy On Our Soul.

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