I feel honoured to kick off your hump day morning with a story about turds. There is no higher aspiration as a writer than to jumpstart someone’s morning with all the trumpets and heraldry of a really cracking poo yarn.
According to a truly incredible report over at the BBC – who apparently report on dates gone wrong now – a woman in Bristol became trapped in a window while trying to retrieve a poo she had hurled out of the window of her date’s apartment bathroom when it would not flush. Regrettably, the fire service had to get involved.
Student Liam Smith had brought the lass home after a date, when she had to use the toilet. When the resultant turds wouldn’t flush – which is just about the most horrific situation I can imagine, so I really don’t blame her for pursuing a creative solution – the poor girl pelted them out the window.
Rather than sailing gracefully into the garden below, they apparently became wedged between two non-opening windows. She went after them, which was really the responsible, neighbourly course of action, and became hopelessly stuck.
To her credit, the girl informed Smith of what had happened before attempting to retrieve the poop. “It was into this twilight zone that my date had thrown her poo,” he said.
Why is this story coming out? I mean, other than the fact that it’s insanely funny and the universe would not allow it it to remain secret. Well, Smith has set up a crowdfunding page to repair his broken window, which was destroyed during the rescue operation.
“I’m not complaining, they did what they had to do,” he wrote on the crowdfunding page.
“Problem is, I’ve been quoted north of £300 to replace the window and as a postgraduate student, that is a significant chunk of my monthly budget.”
Here’s an excerpt from the GoFundMe itself:
Being an amateur gymnast, she was convinced that she could reach into the window and pull the poo out, using the tried and tested “inside out blag as glove” technique. Unfortunately she couldn’t reach. She climbed further in and had the same problem. Eventually I agreed to give her a boost up and into the window. She climbed in head first after her own turd, reached deeper into the window, bagged it up, and passed it out, over the top and back into the toilet from whence it came. She called out to me to help her climb out from the window, I grabbed her waist and I pulled. But she was stuck. Stuck fast. Try as we might, we could not remove her from the window. She was stuck fast, upside down in the gap.
Avon Fire and Rescue confirmed to the BBC that they had received a call and rescued a woman who was trapped between two panes of glazed glass. They also confirmed the window had been broken in the process.
The girl, understandably, does not want to be identified. But if she’s reading this: we understand. Any person would have done what you did. Not all of us would have had the courage to stick around and retrieve the shit – there are cowards amongst us who would have fled. You are braver than you know.
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Image: Liam Smith