WELCOME TO PEDESTRIAN.TV’S VERY FIRST “CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE” ARTICLE!
Hooray for you, buddy.
Let us set the scene.
In September 2015, Australia’s Prime Minister Tony Abbott was overthrown by his party companion Malcolm Turnbull. The coup came after months, if not years, of non-stop shit-hanging Abbott’s Liberal party coalition put the opposition party through, as Labor had a very similar leadership scandal prior; not only that, but Abbott was monumentally unpopular with the average Australian after delivering a string of baffling policies – or, in fact, not delivering policies at all.
See also: speed dealers, onions, knighthoods, ‘the boats’, and Joe Hockey.
Since he’s been ousted, apart from a few minor issues, it appears Turnbull has settled things down considerably for the Liberals, and they look solid heading into a possible federal election next year. Still, Tones has said recently he’d give an upbeat assessment of his time in the top job.
Now, you find out that Tony Abbott, honest-to-God, thinks he could have carried his government to a win, saying “whoever led the Coalition, I believe we were going to win the next election and win it quite strongly.”
If you react to this news with a modicum of surprise and a desire to know more about Abbott’s unreal self-belief, scroll down to Section 1.
If you want the fundamentals of his claim distilled to a 9-second YouTube clip, head on over to Section 2.
Section 1
Ah, a wise decision. Partly because this bit probs just as lulzy – if it weren’t for the real-world implications of Abbott’s turn in power.
Aaaaanyway, he made the admission speaking to Sky News today, and the surprising thing about it is how unsurprising his self-belief is. Fundamentally, Tony Abbott is our nation’s Don Quixote, forever chasing whatever lefty windmills spring up in his mind. Pushing to knight Prince Philip? Well, we all love the Royals, right? Smirking at the plight of an aging, ailing sex worker? Pah, women. The. List. Goes. On.
All of that, of course, goes against the massive tides of public sentiment that would have all but ensured Tones & Co.’s loss at the polls.
Now, in his diminished role in the party and with every opportunity to take stock of the conditions he found himself in, he’s certain – still – things wouldn’t have been so bad. There are even rumours that he’s planning his glorious re-ascent back to the top; while likely nonsense, you just cannot discount this sort of thing from him. Incredible.
Section 2
Well then, here you go:
See you next time on Choose Your Own P.TV Adventure.
