Alright guys, who’s going to be the first one to tell Tony Abbott that he’s not going to ‘pull a Kevin Rudd‘ and slot back into the role of Prime Minister*? Anyone? Anyone?
Because judging by the weird clique-y lunching arrangements of the conservative faction of the Liberal party right now, it feels like they’re plotting a Cady Heron-style take-down of the erstwhile Queen Bee Malcolm Turnbull.
Let me tell you something about Malcolm Turnbull. He and Tony were best friends in the Liberal party. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. Tony doesn’t even… whatever. So then in 2015, Tony started appointing Knights and Dames which was totally cool but then no one else liked it, and Malcolm would be like, “Why did you bring them back”? And Tony would be like, “Why are you so obsessed with it”? So then, for Tony’s final test as Prime Minister, which was the Canning by-election, Malcolm was like, I can’t follow you, because I think you might be dud. We couldn’t have a dud as our Prime Minister. There were gonna be people with their Twitter accounts. I mean, right? He was a DUD. So then Julie Bishop called Scott Morrison and started yelling at him, it was so retarded. And then Tony was voted out as leader of the Liberal party because no one would talk to him, and he came back the next week as a backbencher, and all his three word slogans were gone and he was still totally weird, and now I guess he wants back.
But he would be nothing without his high-status arm-candy…
…his technically ‘good’ physique…
evil band of loyal followers army of skanks.
Beware the plastics.
MEANWHILE, RAMPANT DESIRE TO MASH-UP AUSPOL AND MEAN GIRLS FOREVERMORE ASIDE…
According to reports, Abbott and literally the opposite of #squadgoals Peter Dutton, Andrew Nikolic, and Michael Sukkar have been attending weekly lunches in the “Monkey Pod” room, so named thanks to its timber table made from monkey-pod wood. Last week, Tony brought cake.
These same reports say that fellow conservative MPs, senators, and ‘Abbott supporters’ (Christ help us all) Angus Taylor, Zed Seselja, Natasha Griggs, Craig Kelly and Ian Goodenough popped round last week for a take-away meal that we suppose was good enough**.
Have a dozen Liberal MPs have had a good ol’ sledging to Fairfax about these Monkey Pod lunches and their erstwhile attendees. One called them “clowns“, another a “resistance movement”, and a third said they’re just “hanging on to the last vestiges of the Abbott days” like an Instagram model who quits social media but then can’t shut up about it online. The mind boggles, we tell you.
*If proven wrong, we’ll will print this article out and eat the whole bloody lot of it.
**Goodenough. Not even a little bit sorry
Image: Stefan Postles via Getty Images.