Coles Has Limited Toilet Paper To One Pack Per Person Because We As A Nation Have No Chill

Toilet Paper

A few months ago, at the height of bushfire season, Australians banded together like never before to help out those who desperately needed it. It was a proud time for our nation, but it all seems like a faraway dream, now that fear of a toilet paper shortage has caused us to lose our collective fucken minds, and throngs of bogans and boomers are literally assaulting each-other over the stuff.

Toilet paper manufacturers and even the Prime Minister have said in the strongest possible terms that there will not be a shortage due to coronavirus, but still, hordes of shoppers are crowding Australia’s supermarket aisles first thing in the morning to stock up on the stuff. Those in need, including vulnerable old people, are actually missing out on the essential product as a result.

Earlier this week, national supermarket chain Coles limited toilet paper purchases to four per customer, but even this was not enough, as Aussies continued to mindlessly hoard pack after pack of the stuff. Now, they have reduced their limit to one. This is what we have come to, folks. Our obsession has made us an international laughing stock. A rep for the supermarket told News Corp:

“We are now limiting purchases to one pack per transaction, both in-store and online. Unfortunately many stores are still selling out within an hour of delivery. We have therefore made the decision to change the limit to one pack per customer so that toilet rolls are available for more of our customers, particularly the elderly and people who are unable to purchase in large volumes.”

Manufacturers have increased production of toilet paper, while staff are working hard to restock shelves, while dodging deranged shoppers who need an eighteen-month supply of toilet paper right now, and will not be deterred. It is hoped that this new measure will keep toilet paper stock on store shelves so more people will have access to it.

Following an alleged affray yesterday at a Sydney supermarket, NSW Police acting inspector Andrew New pleaded with the public to please chill the fuck out with the hoarding, saying:

“We just ask that people don’t panic like this when they go out shopping. There is no need for it. It isn’t the Thunderdome, it isn’t Mad Max, we don’t need to do that.”