Scholars will argue over the precise moment the United Kingdom unravelled, but the advent of the British torture toilet will surely be regarded as a sign of the nation’s unstoppable decline.
The Daily Mail reports UK company StandardToilet has patented a new toilet design, which features a seat angled downwards by 13 degrees specifically to increase leg strain and reduce user comfort.
While minimising the usability of a latrine seems like a net detriment, StandardToilet presents a compelling business case: the company suggests angled seats will force office workers to spend less hiding in the bathroom, reducing time spent away from their workstations and increasing profits in the process.
StandardToilet estimates that if every workplace loo in the UK was replaced with their proprietary tilted toilet, businesses would recoup a collective £16 billion (AU$30.6 billion) per annum in lost productivity.
Prospective buyers will be thrilled to hear that StandardToilet is targeting businesses with zero-hour contracts – that is, firms which require workers to be on call at any time, with no guarantee of continual employment.
(The UK’s Labour Party, which faced a stunning general election defeat last week, had vowed to eliminate such contracts. The toilet won in that case, too.)
The company also claims its bum-sliding designs will reduce queue times, provide health benefits to users by strengthening pelvic muscles, and, inexplicably, aid users with disabilities.
While all of those claims are dubious at best and obvious fabrications at worst, StandardToilet appears to be a worryingly legitimate enterprise. The company is represented by IP lawyers Swindell & Pearson, and even claims to be endorsed by the British Toilet Association. They’re both real entities, we swear to God.
Still, despite all signs that StandardToilet is some kind of elaborate piss-take at the state of Brexit-broken Britain, the UK’s Intellectual Property Office database reveals a patent application for the ‘Toilet with an inclined seating surface’ was filed in June this year.
As a seasoned toilet-appreciator, I think this whole thing would be funny if it weren’t so transparently despicable, and indicative of a culture which opts to crush workers’ spirits – and quads – at any opportunity.
Actually, it’s still funny. And anyone who ends up buying a StandardToilet in a sincere attempt to boost workplace productivity is a horrible cunt.