As a general rule, I like to think I’m pretty good with the concept of snakes. Sure, they’re long and slithery and sometimes venomous, but they’re also kind of cute in their own hissy way. That was until I saw this video of a huge fuckoff tiger snake slithering its merry way out of a Tassie car tyre.
Please join me in screaming, sweating and shitting at the footage, which was posted by 9News.
Never have I seen such malevolent energy. Never have I understood better why American TikTokers are so scared of Australia.
My smart watch just kindly let me know that my heart rate picked up, which is how terrified I am of this great big snake.
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According to 9News the snake in question is a tiger snake, which Wikipedia describes as both “large” and “highly venomous”. That’s how I feel when I wear platform Doc Martens so I can empathise, but those qualities in a snake? Absolutely terrifying.
The tiger snake was spotted by a passerby, who basically lived out their own version of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
No offence to any Slytherins reading, but if a snake even half that size looked in my direction I would simply fall to the ground and refuse to get back up.
Usually I consider myself a snake supporter (AKA a snorter), but this big wiggly lad is too much even for me.
The snake in question seems to have snuck its way into the car’s engine bay and then slithered down into the tyre alloy. Improvise, adapt, overcome, sure! But please, not like this.
According to Nine, a snake catcher was called in, but the snake had slithered off before it could be removed.
Hopefully it wiggled its way to freedom and not into another unsuspecting car.
Yes, this story has in fact entrenched a deep new fear in me. Never have I felt more grateful to be a public transport girlie instead of a car-driving girlie. This is the perfect justification for why it took me so many years to get my Ps.
But if there’s ever a snake in the Sydney Metro, you best believe I’ll simply never be leaving my house again.