Good morning! Happy Easter! Please enjoy the following yarn, the unnerving sexual energy of which has shaken me to my very core!
The tale of unparalleled romantic and carnal big dickery comes via our favourite platform for stories that will make you question everything you once thought true: Twitter.
Writer Nicole Cliffe took it upon herself to relay the story of an unnamed friend of hers who has “the strongest sexual energy I have ever met“.
“Please know I do not endorse her choices,” she is sure to tell us. “I am just… gobsmacked and respect the game.”
And so we launch into the story of this unnamed friend, an extreme sports champion and Certified Hottie, who in her youth made the ice-coldest, most badassest move ever made in the realm of romance.
For those of you who, like me, are doing the confused dog head-tilt at the term “freeskier”, freeskiing is a dangerous and exciting form of alpine skiing that combines freestyle skiing with snowboarding-style tricks, jumps, rails and the like. Basically it’s people doing wild shit that they probably shouldn’t, while tied to long thin strips of wood (why does anyone do any form of extreme sports, please, someone, answer this riddle for me).
I love this. If I were suddenly banned from doing the sport I loved for nine months, I’d think about trying to write the next sci-fi bestseller or taking up quilting or something. This snow-addled lunatic is like, “I’ll just get a boyfriend!”
Oh, I’m sorry, did you think this story was going to go a different way? Did you think we’d entered rom-com territory and this bad bitch would suddenly realise that the real reason the universe sent this nine-month injury her way was so she could learn the value of true love? Fools!!!!!
“I told you this was a nine month contract.” Legendary.
THAT’S the real reason the universe gave this freeskier weapon a nine-month injury: to get a completely unrelated woman out of a boring relationship so she could follow her dreams, and then to orchestrate a really good day of skiing with a new pal.
BDE indeed. I need to go lie down.