Sifting through the miasma of the news cycle to find tasty, spicy yarns to bring to you is a tough job. And a lot of it requires boots on the ground, running around town, trying to keep up with all the doings and transpirings of a big, metropolitan city.

When you’re actively doing that all the time, you tend to hear… things. Stuff picked up by the old ears along the way from everyday, ordinary people flitting about their lives.

For whatever reason, PEDESTRIAN.TV‘s Melbourne-based writers have been making note of the weird, wonderful, and downright hilarious shit they overhear in the city. It’s too good not to share.

Here’s the best of what we’ve Overheard in Melbourne the past week-and-a-bit.

[At a non-descript pub on a Friday night]

Bloke: “Fucken… I was in Sydney last weekend, right? Those bloody lockout laws are the worst. You can’t do shit up there. They treat you like children. It’s much better down here. I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

*three sips later*

Bloke: “Shit, it’s 9 o’clock. I gotta get home, the girlfriend’s gonna kill me.”


[At the same pub, underneath a projector screen showing the footy]

Guy in a Saints scarf: “Ahh, generally speaking the team you follow is based on where you grew up.”

American tourist: “Where did you grow up?”

Guy in a Saints scarf: “Glenroy.”

[Outside Revs later that night at some ungodly hour]

Gurnie Dingo: You reckon Macca’s will swap a cheesy for a dinger?”

[A tram rattling up Clarendon St past Crown]

Tram PA: “You are now entering the Free Tram Zone.”

Shirtless Man: “COP THAT PIGS.” *flings Myki out window*

The Weird, Wild, & Wonderful Shit Overheard In Melbourne This Week

[Couple walking hand-in down Swanston Street]

Her: “Oh hey, that Van Gogh exhibit is at the NGV. I totally forgot.”

Him: “If you’re not working this Sunday we should Van Gogh to it.”

Her: “We’re breaking up.”

[On a dead-silent, sardine-packed morning peak-hour tram]
*several seconds pass*

Unidentified person: “ALRIGHT, WHO IS EATING DIM SIMS ON HERE? I AM NOT COPPING THAT. NOT TODAY.”

[Cackling wine-sipping legends at the MCG]

Cheryl: I would climb Max Gawn like a tree.”

Beryl: I’d ride him like a sled in the Iditarod.”

Ethyl: I’m just keen to hit him head-high on the tackle.”

 

[Two cyclists pedalling past the Royal Exhibition Building]

Cyclist #1: “Last week they had a vegan festival here. This week it’s a beer & meat celebration. Did they even think about that before they booked it?”

Cyclist #2: “Balance. It’s all about balance.”

 

[Flinders St Station Platform 5, Wednesday, 3:42pm]

Puffy Vest: Have you been to Legacy?”

Woollen Cape: “What’s that?”

Puffy Vest: “You know, that cafe where every Instagram model pretends to eat?”

 

The Weird, Wild, & Wonderful Shit Overheard In Melbourne This Week

 

[On an outside table at a St Kilda cafe]

He: “I saw Mick Molloy out the other night.”

Him: “No shit? What did you do?”
He: “I wanted to say something clever about ‘The Nation‘ but I was too pissed so I just shouted “HEY MICK MOLLOYYYYYY” at him and he flipped me off.”

Him: “Fair.”

[Very obviously hungover south-side woman in her late 30s talking loudly on speakerphone]

Phone: “Wanna come run the Tan with me later?”

Woman: “Honey, I would rather shear my own clit off.

[On a 19 tram stuck in Sydney Rd traffic]

Twentysomething Dude on the Phone: Saturday? Went to Boney and dropped a Pingu. Noot noot.”

 

The Weird, Wild, & Wonderful Shit Overheard In Melbourne This Week

[Two young queer women walking down Brunswick Street]

#1: “You went to that new gin bar last weekend, yeah? Is it shit?”

#2: “Before I went there I never knew menopause had a gravitational pull.”

[Three Adidas tracksuit-wearing 20-somethings sitting in a Collingwood gutter, passing a bottle of wine back and forth]

One of ’em: “You ever think we’ve become a parody of ourselves?”

[In a CBD Nando’s, crowding around a screen showing a clip from ‘Offspring‘]

Excited Teen: That’s it! That’s the bin I threw up in last Friday! My spew is famous!”

 

The Weird, Wild, & Wonderful Shit Overheard In Melbourne This Week

Photo: Steve Christo/Getty.