[At a non-descript pub on a Friday night]
Bloke: “Fucken… I was in Sydney last weekend, right? Those bloody lockout laws are the worst. You can’t do shit up there. They treat you like children. It’s much better down here. I can do whatever the fuck I want.”
*three sips later*
Bloke: “Shit, it’s 9 o’clock. I gotta get home, the girlfriend’s gonna kill me.”
[At the same pub, underneath a projector screen showing the footy]
Guy in a Saints scarf: “Ahh, generally speaking the team you follow is based on where you grew up.”American tourist: “Where did you grow up?”Guy in a Saints scarf: “Glenroy.”
Gurnie Dingo: “You reckon Macca’s will swap a cheesy for a dinger?”
[A tram rattling up Clarendon St past Crown]
Tram PA: “You are now entering the Free Tram Zone.”Shirtless Man: “COP THAT PIGS.” *flings Myki out window*
[Couple walking hand-in down Swanston Street]
Her: “Oh hey, that Van Gogh exhibit is at the NGV. I totally forgot.”Him: “If you’re not working this Sunday we should Van Gogh to it.”Her: “We’re breaking up.”
[On a dead-silent, sardine-packed morning peak-hour tram]
*several seconds pass*
Unidentified person: “ALRIGHT, WHO IS EATING DIM SIMS ON HERE? I AM NOT COPPING THAT. NOT TODAY.”
Cheryl: “I would climb Max Gawn like a tree.”Beryl: “I’d ride him like a sled in the Iditarod.”Ethyl: “I’m just keen to hit him head-high on the tackle.”
[Two cyclists pedalling past the Royal Exhibition Building]
Cyclist #1: “Last week they had a vegan festival here. This week it’s a beer & meat celebration. Did they even think about that before they booked it?”Cyclist #2: “Balance. It’s all about balance.”
[Flinders St Station Platform 5, Wednesday, 3:42pm]
Puffy Vest: “Have you been to Legacy?”
Woollen Cape: “What’s that?”
Puffy Vest: “You know, that cafe where every Instagram model pretends to eat?”
[On an outside table at a St Kilda cafe]
He: “I saw Mick Molloy out the other night.”Him: “No shit? What did you do?”
He: “I wanted to say something clever about ‘The Nation‘ but I was too pissed so I just shouted “HEY MICK MOLLOYYYYYY” at him and he flipped me off.”Him: “Fair.”
[Very obviously hungover south-side woman in her late 30s talking loudly on speakerphone]
Phone: “Wanna come run the Tan with me later?”Woman: “Honey, I would rather shear my own clit off.“
[On a 19 tram stuck in Sydney Rd traffic]
Twentysomething Dude on the Phone: “Saturday? Went to Boney and dropped a Pingu. Noot noot.”
[Two young queer women walking down Brunswick Street]
#1: “You went to that new gin bar last weekend, yeah? Is it shit?”#2: “Before I went there I never knew menopause had a gravitational pull.”
[Three Adidas tracksuit-wearing 20-somethings sitting in a Collingwood gutter, passing a bottle of wine back and forth]
One of ’em: “You ever think we’ve become a parody of ourselves?”
[In a CBD Nando’s, crowding around a screen showing a clip from ‘Offspring‘]
Excited Teen: “That’s it! That’s the bin I threw up in last Friday! My spew is famous!”
Photo: Steve Christo/Getty.