During a press conference today, Prime Minister Scott Morrison announced Australia’s brand new climate plan, and let’s just say he pretty much spoke for 50 minutes without saying much at all. Thankfully, the Guardian ripped him to shreds for this god-awful conference.

While Scott Morrison was babbling about in circles to avoid stating anything of any real value, the lovely souls over at the Guardian were tasked with live reporting on what the PM was saying, as he was saying it.

And naturally, because the PM was spouting nonsense, the Guardian used the opportunity to absolutely rip him a new one, dragging him through the mud and challenging every single one of his claims.

I knew I was in for a wild time when the coverage started like this:

guardian scott morrison

As the plan without a plan went on, the Guardian became more and more savage. I mean, I can’t blame them, listening to Morrison talk about nothing for 50 minutes is like listening to nails on a chalkboard.

Fuck it, what am I talking for, here are the gorgeous quotes straight from the Guardian’s coverage.

“Scott Morrison launches straight into the lines: Australia understands there is need for climate action, Australia is already “meeting and beating” emissions reductions,” they wrote.

“And we are doing it the ‘Australian Way’ (which appears to be trumpeting misleading figures, and doing the bare minimum and expecting a brass band for it).”

Oof.

“A wag has just pointed out to me that the Qantas inflight magazine was called The Australian Way, so I guess all that time ministers spent in the Chairman’s Lounge has been useful,” they continued.

Soon enough, it became clear that this ‘plan’ that Scott Morrison was coming out to introduce was barely a plan at all. But hey, the PM sure said the word ‘plan’ at least 3405 times, so that’s a win, right?

“I’ll bring you key parts of the speech in a moment, but the main takeaway is that we are not really doing anything to change,” wrote the Guardian.

“’We can’t let the changes which are happening around the world just happen to Australia’, says Scott Morrison, who has been present for most of the decade of climate wars and has actively participated in speaking down any actual meaningful action.”

“’The Australian way of life is unique,’ says the leader of a colonised nation, led mostly by anglos, where power is shared among the few,” they continued.

We need to realise that this action comes after many years of inaction, and also The Nationals being dragged by their heels to agree to net zero by 2050.

“So essentially, everything the Coalition has said about climate policy over the last decade, and particularly in the 2019 election, no longer matters because things have changed,” the Guardian continued.

“Nothing has actually changed – the government has just been dragged to this point (which is not a landmark one, it is still the bare minimum) but now the government, and Scott Morrison, want to pretend that everything they have ever said about climate policy, targets, emissions reduction was right at the time, and what they are saying is still right.”

After about 50 whole minutes of talking, we were all still waiting to hear what the fuck Scott Morrison’s actual plan was.

But hey, at least Morrison promised us that we’ll see ‘how’ he’s going to do things soon.

“Oh, and you’ll see the government’s modelling, but not now. At an undisclosed time in the future, it will be released,” wrote the Guardian.

“This plan isn’t clear on the how. For a large part of it, the ‘how’ remains unknown. Because the technologies the roadmap is relying on, are not entirely developed yet. The ‘how’ in this plan, is a hope it all works out.”

The Guardian, I love you. Sorry that you had to listen to this whole conference and draw out any semblance of a plan.