Losing your phone, slumping on a public bench, punching a random and spewing on a blurry shape who you think could be your future wife/husband are among the less chill things a person can do during an afternoon or evening in the company of others. In the spirit of the current Gen Y lauded ‘How to Drink Properly’ campaign – as an aid in avoiding being tagged the hot mess of your friendship group – we have put together a few helpful reminders so that when you are enjoying a couple of bevvies, you keep your game tight and your dignity intact.
An amateur drinker will neck the entire contents of a goon bag mixed into some kind of sloppy fruit punch or in a ‘goon sunrise’ situation via some kind of plastic vessel that invariably resembles a funnel, fish bowl or bucket.
This never results in a chill vibe.
A classy drinker will not imbibe from any receptacle that requires two hands to wield it. Two-handed drinking is absolutely unacceptable, except for those with tiny, tiny hands. Goblets, schooners, flutes and tumblers are what the masterminds of modern glassware designed specifically to enhance the pleasure of consuming the rainbow of drinking options, and their expertise should be observed when partaking.
An amateur drinker passes out with shoes on whilst at a party, thus rendering their body a human skin canvas on which their fellow party-goers may permanently marker.
A classy drinker knows the rules, enjoys being the owner of a full set of eyebrows and is never past the point of no return.
An amateur drinker has a decidedly unsophisticated palate and actually enjoys it that way. They will refuse to drink anything other than aggressively cheap booze and sneer at all alternatives.
A classy drinker is not a stone cold idiot and is aware that drinks do not have a gender (“girly drinks”), no matter how many ingredients it may have taken to put them together. The classy drinker will always choose quality over quantity, will chase interesting new flavours, and practices the delicate Art of Fine Wine/ Spirits/Beer Appreciation (even if it’s borrowed from the collection of a parent or guardian).
KEEP IT TO YOURSELF
An amateur drinker, like the proverbial captain of a sinking ship, is going down fast. Not only that, they’re gleefully shooting holes in all the available life rafts because – whether they realise it or not – they want to take everyone with them to a party under the sea.
A classy drinker is aware that they are not a mouth-to-mouth canned heat salesperson, and will not push anything on mates.
KNOW YOUR LIMIT
An amateur drinker consumes hootch en masse and drops their slur game so hard it will probably be captured on a smartphone for future humiliation and What Not To Do instructional videos.
A classy drinker knows the level at which shit is about to get sloppy and potentially take a turn for the felonious and they will subsequently pull the reins. They realise that this crazy thing we call life is all about the company you keep and the memories that you make (and can Total Recall).
If you can remember and apply these basic principles, you will be well within your rights to be the smuggest person of high repute among your admiring peers. We’ll cheers to that.