Remember the goddamned Cronut? That unholy croissant/doughnut hybrid that is as close to an actual affront to God as any food creation could ever get? Now it’s got a brother. And that brother’s heard that you’ve been saying some pretty mean things about his family and is here to pound your doughy arse into the ground because fuck you, you’ve got no self-respect anyway.

Introducing the Pretzel Lobster Tail.

First off, let’s address the elephant in the room here. It TOTALLY looks like a dick. A limp, low hanging, flapping around in the breeze dick. The kind of dick that enters the room 3 minutes before you do. And a big dick at that. It looks like hell and probably belongs to Satan himself. It’s Satan’s Dick Food, is what I’m getting at.

Phallic imagery aside, it’s the new life shortening creation from Dominique Ansel and his Manhattan-based bakery.

What exactly is this thing that you don’t have the willpower to resist, you piece of shit? Apparently it’s a “Peanut butter crunch soft pretzel sprinkled with lots of Maldon sea salt with a brown butter whipped honey dipping sauce.”

The Cronut’s Successor Is A Dick-Shaped Peanut Buttery Pretzeled Hot Mess

‘Course you’ll only be able to get it in New York for the moment, but the trip across the international date line would be totally worth it. You’ll be gaining a day for the sake of wiping years off your life.