THE BACHELOR: Sam Wood Makes Solid Call Not To Dump Single Mum On National TV

IT’S HAPPENED, YOU GUYS – THE BACHELOR FINALE. Commemorate another season of bloodletting in the form of reflection is our mate Dan Debuf (of 2Day FM‘s Dan & Maz show, der). Enjoy

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I’ve spent the last two months faithfully live-tweeting each and every pensive waterside moment, side-eye and bitchy resting face, earning the love of the nation’s Bach-fans, and then right at the final moment, NSW Premier Mike Baird swoops in.

He seems very sincere for a guy who is two-timing, live on TV. This is only a 30 minute show, right? #TheBachelorAU

— Mike Baird (@mikebairdMP) September 17, 2015

Curse you Baird! The intruding Lana to my Heather! Apparently Tony Abbott gave it a go to, but with less success. 

did you know @mikebairdMP

tony abbott also tried to tweet along to #TheBachelorAU last night

?????? pic.twitter.com/Re4qSr4414

— dan debuf (@dandebuf) September 17, 2015

But we’re not here to discuss politics… we’re here for something far more important: the key to the heart (and chastity belt) of Sam Wood. It’s Lana vs. Snez.

Through the power of recap we relive the journey we’ve been on so far, before we’re thrust into the final dates.

The recaps were mainly comprehensive, though some things overlooked… 

weird that the pool ass grope wasn’t in lana’s recap?

#TheBachelorAU #memories pic.twitter.com/KTQDyhIASA

— dan debuf (@dandebuf) September 17, 2015

… but on the whole, I think we’re all caught up. 

We got to meet Sam’s family for the first time since episode one, in the location of “generic NSW outback”, because unlike last year, where the finale location was South Africa, this series they couldn’t even afford three flights to Tassie.

If Sam’s dad looks familiar, it’s because he has a side business slinging wings:

Snez reduces Papa Wood to tears during their chaterrogation, which was because of the level of emotion involved, not because of his deep shame at his struggle with Snez’s vaguely ethnic name. 

SAM’S DAD: “i have some questions for you snezoozoo”

SNEZ: “snezana”

DAD: “snzgzgzhz”

SNES: “snezana”

DAD: “sn4yt32ufb??”

#TheBachelorAU

— dan debuf (@dandebuf) September 17, 2015

Lana’s time with the family is more sister-focused, with the two gals getting a bit of one on one time.

There are tears, but we all know Dad Tears are far more “connection inducing” than Sister Tears.

On the whole it appears Lana is using the power of hypnosis to ingratiate her way into the Wood clan: 

LOOK INTO MY EYES NOT AROUND THE EYES

PLEASE WELCOME ME INTO THE FAMILY

INTO THE FAMILY

#TheBachelorAU pic.twitter.com/3nX2JmiXbQ

— dan debuf (@dandebuf) September 17, 2015

We then continue our time with Lana – Sam has arranged one last date with her, and after boats, planes, and a million Nissans, it seems bizarre that it’s only just now we’re getting in a helicopter. 

BRONWYN BISHOP WATCHING #THEBACHELORAU ALL LIKE pic.twitter.com/kc0ucrFqmy

— dan debuf (@dandebuf) September 17, 2015

Helicopter naturally leads to rowboat, which leads to marshmallow roasting, which lead to making out. It’s a tale as old as time.

And then Snez has her turn: a hot rod, some choccie strawbs, obligatory daughter chat, and then….:

“I want you to know that I have fallen in love with you.”

The nation holds its breath………………………………………………….

Sam: “It’s such a beautiful thing to hear you say.” 

Before we can go any further, we need a Sam Wood Shirtless Montage, some nervous limo backseat chats, a waterside think, and then: THE DUMPING GROUND.

Osher and Sam have the final chat of their erstwhile bromance. 

Lana is the first out of a limo, which the fans amongst us know means only one thing: it’s Sam and Snez. It has to be.

Sam tells Lana how much of a connection they have. The nation awaits the “but”. The “but” arrives.

Lana is broken. The nation puts two and two together.

ARISE OUR PARMIGIANA QUEEN:

 

MY PARMIGIANA QUEEN REIGNS

#TheBachelorAU pic.twitter.com/o4xAo5J4WK

— dan debuf (@dandebuf) September 17, 2015

Sam has used his Zamel‘s voucher to purchase not just a “ring of ambiguous meaning but definitely not an engagement ring”, but also a little trinket for Snez’s daughter Eve – proving that he’s SO READY TO DAD, but also, that no matter what age, glittery things win over any woman.

They kiss, passionately, and the dozen women who’ve been all over Sam’s lips before are instantly forgotten. 

#TheBachelorAU Kiss Mega-Mix! pic.twitter.com/8M1qbjR4YA

— Dan and Maz (@DanAndMaz) September 18, 2015

So there you have it! Sam and Snez, the Wood and the Parmy, together at last, and inevitably soon to be wed.

I know that for a fact because it happened this morning on my radio show. 

Until next year, Bachie lovers.