Ever wanted to know what your choice of profession means for you in the bedroom? Tired of not knowing if it’s fishermen that have the biggest tackle? Pondering if Tasmania’s map is looking more like Brazil these days? The Australian Sex Census, launched today, is here to shed light on all the dirty, naughty secrets of Australia, and the results are as enlightening as they are titillating (and, because we’re all still pretty immature, also hilarious.)

So what have we found out about the habits and makeup of 10,000 Australians privates so far? For starters, they’re really keen to get straight to the point in Western Australia. When asked how many dates you should expect to go on before getting yo’self some, the most popular answer was one. Which in this modern work-a-day progressive world is all fair and reasonable. But they’re not mucking around in Perth. An incredible 40% of people in WA expect to hop off the good foot and do the bad thing on the first date!

Swinging was another popular subject broached in the survey, and it’s the transport and logistics industry that really likes to get things moving, with 59.9% of them keen to get stuck in to a rousing round of Rotating Spouses. Tradies and the retired came in second and third in this category, proving once and for all that if you want to build a swing, age is certainly no boundary.

With no pesky wars going on to occupy the time, it’s little wonder that defence and emergency forces polled highest when it came to riding the Self-Love Highway all the way to Palmdale. 38.2% of them admitted to masturbating on a daily basis. With a good grip of their own nail gun, Tradies came in second on 31.5%, and rounding out the top three was hospitality workers taking a little dip into the tip jar.

The grand royale of stats, however, comes in the form of that age-old dilemma: Does size matter? And perhaps in some sort of justice for being saddled in the industry, it’s HR, Employment and Training that are sporting some serious trouser schnauzer action, clocking in at an average of 7.05 inches. Chemists have the right formula to snatch second place at an even 7 inches, and construction workers have erected themselves into third, with a very precise 6.98.

To take part in the Great Australian Sex Census head to www.sexcensus.com.au

Photo: Robin Beck via Getty Images.