The Australian Has Attempted A ‘Harry Potter As Auspol’ Metaphor & It’s A Mess

Unfortunately, it appears NO ONE told Australia’s politicians and political pundits that ‘Harry Potter’ political analyses were done. For shame.

Auspol is, right now, enjoying a renaissance in these gags, and we’re all suffering for it.

Things kicked up a gear last week, when Tanya Plibersek called Tony Abbott the ‘Lord Voldemort‘ of the Liberals. (It was because Malcolm Turnbull refused to say Abbott’s name during an interview with ABC Radio. Gedditt??? Shoot me.)

But now you have The Australian columnist Janet Albrechtsen taking it upon herself to cast the rest of Auspol as characters in the Harry Potter universe, and it’s just a huge, abysmal mess from start to finish.

Neither Turnbull nor Abbott has magic touch, writes @jkalbrechtsen https://t.co/fxggdXOZlo pic.twitter.com/nw17brlcov

— The Australian (@australian) July 11, 2017

Abbott, of course, is Lord Voldemort. That’s been established. Turnbull is inexplicable cast Harry Potter himself (the hero!), while Bill Shorten gets lumped in with Peter Pettigrew, presumably as a sledge against his lack of loyalties during the Rudd / Gillard years but failing to grasp the nuanced loyalties of Harry Potter canon.

It gets worse.

In this metaphor, Rudd is cast as Mad-Eye Moody, sent mad by Julia Gillard-as-Barty Crouch Jr after she locked him in a trunk for a year. (Er… that’s not how it happened.) Julie Bishop is Severus Snape (who knows where her loyalties lie!!!), Peta Credlin is Dolores Umbridge (everybody hates her, lol), Christopher Pyne is Lucius Malfoy (they both like expensive things?? honestly I’m not sure), and Peter Dutton is Kingsley Shacklebolt, which is quite frankly the most insulting thing anyone has ever written about the entire Harry Potter series.

And Dumbledore? That honour goes to none other than John Howard, clearly bequeathed as some kind of allegory about the ~last good Prime Minister~ but just comes across as weird, uncooked and unbelievable forgiving of Howard’s flaws. 

Political analysis by Harry Potter is bad, but if you’re going to do it, do better than this. Peter Pettigrew would never work to actively undermine both Harry and Voldemort in order to succeed both of them. And Abbott? I think we’re all forgetting that the perfect character for him already exists: the bumbling, catastrophically incompetent former Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge.

Albrechtsen – who casts herself as gossip queen of half truths Rita Skeeter – ends with a sign-off imploring J.K. Rowling to stop talking about politics.

“PS Ms Rowling, if you stop tweeting about politics, I’ll stop writing about Potter.”

Look, Rowling’s political views might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but uh, she’s still allowed to tweet them.

As for the rest of us: leave Potter-themed political analysis in the garbage fire of 2016 where they belong.

Photo: Warner Bros; Getty.