Ted Cruz, America’s Horniest Senator, Reckons We’re All “Obsessed With Sex”

Before we begin, consider this fun fact: US Senator Ted Cruz is younger than Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst. Ted Cruz was born on December 22nd 1970. Fred Durst was born on August 20th 1970. Fred Durst is 51 days older than Ted Cruz. There. You can’t unlearn that fact. That shit ruined my day when I found out, and I refuse to suffer it alone.

Now then, the current yarn: Ted Cruz, an extremely horny man who janked his disgusting beanus on 9/11 this year, has now gone on the record to absolutely insist that it is, in fact, “the left” and “the media” who are “obsessed with sex.”

This wonderful string of quotes comes amid the intensely funny fallout from the discovery that Ted Cruz’s Twitter account liked a tweet from an account called “Sexuall Posts” containing 100% porn.

In the speed round of political pass-the-buck that ensued, we’ve had Cruz write the whole shebang off as a mistake that was entirely the fault of a staffer who accidentally hit the wrong button. Because that seems entirely more plausible than the idea of a wild-eyed Cruz furiously fapping his foul fleshy flagella to the glow of his smartphone screen and grazing the like button while trying to scroll back in the throes of la petit mort. Obviously.

Now Cruz, who definitely honked off on the anniversary of September 11th, has weirdly tried to own the mistake – that he blamed on a staffer, let’s remind you – insisting that “consenting adults should be able to do whatever they want in their bedrooms. The media and the left seem obsessed with sex, let people do what they want.” Uh huh.

Cruz also pointed out that “It’s an opportunity for knuckleheads in the media to claim, ‘Oh, isn’t this ironic that Cruz wants to ban these things.’ People ought to be able to do what they want in their own bedrooms,” and boy are we glad he ever brought that up.

As the then-solicitor general for Texas in 2007, Cruz wrote a 76-page legal brief that defended a Texas State law banning the sale of sex toys; a law that was subsequently shot down by the courts.

Cruz, at the time, insisted the state should be given “police powers” to “[discourage] prurient interests in sexual gratification, [combat] the commercial sale of sex, and [protect] minors,” and defence of the laws in the subsequent court hearing produced this barnburner of a sentence: “there is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.

He’s not the one obsessed with sex. Not even a little.

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