Tamagotchis – the virtual late 90s pet surrogate that in retrospect may have been a surreptitious parable for Buddhist philosophy and which taught preteens everywhere crucial life skills such as friendship, responsibility, effective time management and the perils of leaving your loved ones in a room filled with their own feces for eight straight days – are back!
Japanese manufacturers Bandai have recently unveiled the launch of a new series of the gaming device called Tamagotchi Friends, not your Dad’s Tamogitchis (how weird would it be if your Dad had a secret Tamagotchi family that no one knew about?), for this is the the most narcissistic generation on record and you can’t even begin to think about marketing products to them if they can’t somehow pretend to be the winner of a reality TV singing competition through the prism of the handheld digital pet they’ve sporadically been feeding chia pellets to.
Announced upgrades to the only thing which made family vacations bearable fifteen years ago include the ability to choose characters (ranging from evil-cute to regular cute), send text messages, exchange gifts, visit other Tamagotchi Friends, play mini-games and pursue occupations including musician, beautician, tailor and chef on their way to fulfilling their ultimate profession of shit covered ghost somebody used to love once.
While retaining its rudimentary form and function it’s still a massive improvement on the six pixel amoebas with zero identity and massive incontinence problems we had when I was a kid .