As everyone that owns a giant inflatable colon will tell you, the worst thing that can happen to you is having your giant inflatable colon stolen. Those things do not grow on trees. They’re not even sold in shops (at least, not the shops I have been to). For the Minneapolis-based Colon Cancer Coalition, this nightmare became a reality roughly two weeks ago, when their giant inflatable colon was stolen from a driveway.
The inflatable — which is 10 feet long, weighs 75 kilos and cost the organisation around $5,600 — was used as an educational tool and to raise awareness of colon cancer. Having lost all hope of seeing it again, the Coalition undertook fundraising efforts to replace it, managing to raise enough to buy two whole new ones.
Pictured: An organisation not without a sense of humour.
But, in possibly one of the most heart-warming stories related to intestines ever to unfold, the item has found its way back into the loving arms of the Coalition. In a tweet on Monday, the Kansas City Police (the Missouri ones, not to be confused with the Kansas City Police in Kansas) announced that the wayward colon had been located in an abandoned house:
BREAKING: WE HAVE RECOVERED THE STOLEN COLON. Thanks to a tip, officers found the giant, inflatable, pilfered intestine in a vacant house in the 7100 block of Virginia. No one in custody yet. Investigation is continuing. #stolencolon pic.twitter.com/QAILIr3G6d— Kansas City Police (@kcpolice) October 29, 2018
So far, no one has been charged with partial intestinal tract theft and we are not any closer to understanding why it was stolen in the first place, what the thieves did with it, and how it ended up inside a vacant house. Truly one of the greater mysteries of our time.