I firmly believe that newspapers ought to send war reporters onto the Gold Coast during Schoolies to report on the carnage as if it were some kind of Balkans War level international incident. It is the only way it can be treated with the gravity it so clearly deserves.
Despite the fact police say that the second night of Schoolies was actually pretty mild, all things considered, there’s still something to add to the GOLD COAST SCHOOLIES CARNAGE REPORT, a 2,000 page document I am currently compiling. Basically, a bunch of kids Snapchatted a girl balcony-hopping on what appears to be an extremely high balcony.
Look, if the best we can do is some knucklehead balcony-hopping rather than the pure hell of previous years, it must be a pretty mild Schoolies. In fact, the Courier-Mail reports that cops and amobs have privately told them “the first two nights have been the quietest in recent memory.”
Apparently there was a big spike in the number of people hospitalised last night, but most of them were for intoxication or stepping on glass.
The only confirmed shit incident was a brawl between two groups of blokes, apparently initiated when one kid mocked the other kids attempt at the Haka. So there’s that.
Obviously, we will keep you thoroughly updated on the SCHOOLIES CARNAGE REPORT as it develops.
Source: Courier-Mail.
Photo: 7 News.
