Oh, sweet Harambe. The ape who died and is dead. Such a blessed dead ape who is in hell. Beautiful. Dead. In hell.
It’s been just over two months since that sweet gorilla shuffled off this mortal coil and into Satan’s embrace, but not for one second has his memory left our hearts; a spirit kept alive by the merciless love of the internet, and by those whose dicks have been exposed in tribute. Truly a moving, emotional testimony to such a magnificent beast. One who, again, is very dead and in hell.
But such a powerful spirit cannot be contained by the mere bounds of the afterlife, and thus now we, the people, have the rarest opportunity to help Harambe rise again.
The Dublin Zoo recently gained an addition in the form of a brand new baby gorilla, born in the early hours of July 16th. The zoo is yet to formally identify the gender of the baby, due to Mum Lena keeping the new arrival very close to her chest.
Lena’s baby is 2 weeks old today! Visit the gorilla troop this weekend – we’re open from 9.30am. Pic by Niamh Hayes pic.twitter.com/cHU6sKj08f
— Dublin Zoo (@DublinZoo) July 30, 2016
BUT more importantly than identifying the ape’s gender, the zoo also is yet to NAME the gorilla. And I think you now know where we’re going with this.
A Change.org petition, inarguably the most important petition currently on the site, is collecting signatures from members of the public willing to urge the Dublin Zoo to gift unto this blessed child the name of the deceased Harambe, so that he might rise again from Hell’s fiery pits and protect errant children on the physical realm once again.
So sayeth the petition:
“On May 27th 2016 the world lost a noble and kind soul. Harambe was merely aggressively protecting the child when the selfish and cruel ways of man took him from us.
Let us remember and honour Harambe by naming the baby gorilla after Harambe. Dublin zoo could call it Harambe Jr or Harambetta (if it’s a girl).”
Fine suggestions, to be sure. But we’d be remiss if we didn’t throw in HarJu, Harambe II, or Harambe II: Electric Harambaloo into consideration.
This is far more important than whatever it is you’re doing right now.
Put your signature down here, and help reverse one of the great human and animal tragedies of our time.
JUSTICE FOR HARAMBE. NEW LIFE FOR HARAMBE. SOON THE WORLD WILL BE OURS AND HARAMBE’S (MOSTLY HARAMBE’S).
Source: Change.org.
Photo: Cincinnati Zoo.
