Stop what you’re doing right now, because there’s another fleshlight in town. Cast aside your run-of-the-mill wanksleeve my friends, because if you’ve ever wanted to fuck Shrek’s ear, now you absolutely can.

As you can imagine, this story is a bit NSFW so maybe make sure the boss (or a parent) isn’t looking over your shoulder right now.

From the deeply cooked mind of the bloke who made that utterly terrifying A Bug’s Life toy (that resulted in me not being able to look Heimlich the Caterpillar the same way since) comes a new, very green, toy that plays into everyone’s obsession with Mike Myers‘ best character. Shrek the Ogre.

shrek fleshlight sex toy

There’s absolutely no denying the raw, carnal power that emanates from this bloke. Just pure sexual energy.

Malek Lazri, the same deeply cooked brain that has given us various bespoke fuck toys over the years, has not stopped at all. He debuted the Shrek Ear fleshlight late last year, and I’m just so alarmed, yet deeply impressed, at this work.

It’s the earwax candle for me.

The attention to detail here is just incredible. Not only is there a little candle (which I strongly hope is not actually from what’s inside that ogre ear), but the fleshlight also comes with a wee vest, apparently for “extra grip”.

I hate and love it in equal parts. It’s so fucked, in both its intended purpose and general vibes.

In a recent interview with VICE, Malek said he doesn’t see the fleshlights as sexual objects, despite them actually being, ahem, functional. Y’know, if you wish to live out some truly wild dream of fucking one of those Scream Tubes from Monsters Inc, you technically could.

“None of them are really sexual to me,” he said.

“It’s more about like, a continuation of merchandising, which is already absurd, and this just happens to be the most absurd juxtaposition of a character and an object.”

Now that’s he’s thoroughly ruined my childhood faves, Malek’s started branching out to other cult faves, like tinnies.

You gotta hand it to him, ‘Fisters’ is fucking hilarious.

And I guess if you really don’t want to think about Shrek in his swamp in that way, you could always go to town with Princess Fiona’s feet.

I don’t think I’ll be able to watch that movie the same way again.

Image: Instagram / @mlazri