Officials at Sesame Street have, for whatever reason, moved quickly to provide official clarity on the relationship status of Bert & Ernie, after yesterday’s admission from a former show writer that he always wrote them as a gay couple.

Mark Saltzman, a long-time writer for the show in its halcyon days, stated quite forthrightly in an interview with Queerty that “I always felt that without a huge agenda when I was writing Bert & Ernie, they were [in a relationship]. I didn’t have any other way to contextualise them.

Today, Sesame Street’s official social media channels have posted statements on the matter, clarifying that their position is not only are Bert & Ernie not a long-term, committed couple despite their obvious differences, but that the vast majority of Muppets maintain no overt sexuality whatsoever.

Fair enough it’s not a stretch to suggest Elmo is complete asexual, but to imply that neither Count von Count nor the Cookie Monster, demonstrably horny for numbers and cookies respectively, possess no carnal motivations or desires is lunacy.

More to that, the greater Muppet pantheon is littered with raging felt boners and disgustingly randy behaviour. The central plot of the entire, decades-old series is a pig’s unhinged desire to fuck a frog, for god’s sake.

In fact, I put it to the Henson company that the extended cast of the original Muppets is littered with some of the most criminally horny characters ever put to film.

Animal? He fucks.

Dr Teeth and Janice? They fuck each other on the regular.

Rowlf the Dog? You bet he fucks.

Beaker? His neck is a boner. Fucks.

The Swedish Chef? Has human hands, so if he does fuck he at least janks his Muppet weanus relentlessly.

Pepe the Prawn King? Fucks. Fucks.

In fact, the only Muppet who has unequivocally never fucked is Sam the Eagle. Not once has he ever Jim’d anyone’s Henson.

But to suggest all the others are default abstinent is foolishness of the highest order. Thank you.