Folks. I come bearing grim news. There is a dark intrigue afoot, which runs to the corrupt and blackened heart of competitive Scrabble. This could be the biggest scandal to rock the world since Watergate. I do not make this claim lightly.
The Association of British Scrabble Players has ejected one of their star players after not one, not two, but three independent witnesses reported that they saw him breaking the sacred rules of the game. His crime? He allegedly put his hand – full of freshly drawn tiles – back into the bag to pull out yet more tiles!
Murder most foul!
Allan Simmons, who has literally authored books on Scrabble, was accused of pulling this incredibly dog move on at least four different occasions during professional play.
“The natural conclusion had been that he had been cheating,” said Elie Dangoor, a committee member for the association.
The drama was reported in UK paper The Times, which seems to do far more Scrabble coverage than you would expect from a national newspaper. They snared an interview with Simmons himself, who claims that he did not cheat, but had merely fallen victim to the same “untimely bad luck from the bag as anyone else”.
Here’s his defence:
While I believe I always showed an open hand before drawing fresh letters, if drawing one or two at a time I may not have always had an open hand for each dip in the bag.
Likewise, holding the bag may not have always been strictly at shoulder height. You have to remember that at the top level, games can be quite intense and there’s a lot going through one’s mind let alone remembering to religiously ensure tile drawing rules are followed meticulously. From the outset I have said that no one is beyond suspicion and complied fully with the investigative process.
He’s also entered an absolutely sterling entry in the ‘I’m Not Mad, I’m Actually Laughing’ canon of misconduct defences.
“I am now going to enjoy more of my world beyond Scrabble which has been somewhat neglected,” he said, proving he’s absolutely not furious about this and is in fact very chill. “I will rise above this issue and get on with more important things in life than playing Scrabble.”
Godspeed, sir.
