I owe everyone, all of Australia really, a deep and sincere apology.
Back in March, Australian Twitter started recirculating an entirely made-up story that Prime Minister Scott Morrison had, in 1997, shit his pants outside the Engadine McDonald’s after Cronulla lost the Super League Grand Final to Brisbane.
I latched onto that, and wrote an entirely tongue-in-ass-cheek story theorising that it was entirely possible for Morrison to have done that – “that” being “loaded his fucking pants up with goddamned doo doo” – at the time and place claimed, based on Morrison’s career trajectory at the time and the Engadine McDonald’s proximity to Shark Park.
That story, not at all unlike the Prime Minister’s alleged anus, blew up, grunting the story out of Twitter’s fairly self-contained clutches and into the national spotlight.
In the days that followed, scores of other media outlets started covering the yarn. I even got hauled onto Tommy Little‘s radio show on the Hit Network to talk about it, where they tried to ambush me with quote-unquote “real journalist” Hamish McDonald, who quite incredulously asked me “how do you even publish something like that?” (Hamish, my dude. There’s a big PUBLISH button in our CMS. I simply click that and we’re away.)
Fast forward to now, or last night more specifically, and something that I didn’t expect to happen in my wildest dreams. Scott Morrison, Prime Minister of Australia, said the words “Engadine McDonald’s” out loud at the suddenly on-the-record Midwinter Ball in Canberra.
This morning, it’s all over the place. It’s in major mastheads. It’s on the bloody TV. It’s everywhere.
Hell, The Today Show trotted out Lawrence Mooney, who bafflingly keeps acting like he’s responsible for the story, stating he’s been “peddling the rumour for 18 months” even though it very clearly started with Joyride on Twitter only 13 months ago, and even though the first time he ever mentioned it on air was a full day after I filed the original investiagation.
— The Today Show (@TheTodayShow) September 19, 2019
Am I mad about it? No. I just don’t like getting “I Did This’d” by a bloke called “Moonman.” But I digress.
The point is, I did not expect this incredibly silly story to end with the Prime Minister of Australia – arguably the least funny cunt in the land – parroting it in a speech some high-paid tosspot wrote for him in a bid to make press gallery journos – a group of people fighting each other to be the one who gets chummy enough with King Dickhead to ghostwrite his inevitable memoir – laugh into their uninspiring kangaroo terrine.
Regretfully, I have to confirm the Engadine Maccas joke is dead now. It’s not funny anymore. It’s not at all funny that Scott Morrison may or may not have shit his fucking ass into his goddamned pants at the Engadine Maccas in 1997. It’s dead, it died, and I put it on this path.
This could’ve stayed on Twitter and been good forever. Instead, I foolishly put it under a national spotlight.
I had no idea this would happen.
Jesus christ I am so, so sorry.