Ahead of the COP26 Climate Summit in Glasgow next week, Scott Morrison unveiled the government’s grand plan for Australia’s target of achieving net zero emissions by 2050. Well, at least he said he did, and he’s probably walked away from the lectern in Canberra thinking he did it, but from what we all heard he kinda just talked around it for about 50 minutes.
The ~plan~ created at the 11th hour was laid out by Scott and Angus Taylor (the Minister for Energy and Emissions Reduction) on Tuesday afternoon, and judging by the reactions online, it seems everyone was utterly perplexed by what the fuck they went on about for the better part of an hour. Not to mention the powerpoint presentation of the plan that was near-impossible to read.
Seriously who uses a dark blue text on a fluro blue background outside of a Year 5 assignment?
We’ve attempted to decipher what in the ever-loving fuck these two presented to a room full of confused journalists already (and the Guardian’s fucking savage liveblogging of it), but if you don’t wish to fall down that rabbit hole just yet, please take a moment to scroll through all the best reactions to The Plan that we could find.
Awaiting the "plan" part of this national plan.— Shalailah Medhora (@shalailah) October 26, 2021
As it turns out, The Australian Way is to dodgy up a pile of bullshit the night before your assignment is due and try to bluff your way through the oral assessment by shouting "plan" every two seconds.— marquelawyers (@marquelawyers) October 26, 2021
As you can see, the key element of the net-zero plan is slowly and sequentially moving from dark ink to light blue https://t.co/7hLWrFerYK— Dan Golding (@dangolding) October 26, 2021
is Scott actually gonna tell us the plan or is he just gonna keep talking about the vague idea of having a plan— Lav Baj (@lavosaurus) October 26, 2021
If that was a "comprehensive climate plan" then I've completely misunderstood what comprehensive means for my entire life— Amy Remeikis (@AmyRemeikis) October 26, 2021
Well that was quite nothing.— Wayne Smith (@CleanEconomySer) October 26, 2021
lol the entire plan was "change nothing but get the nats to shut the fuck up about it" i'm in genuine awe— John (@real_b_pullman) October 26, 2021
This is not plan. It’s a scam.— Chris Bowen (@Bowenchris) October 26, 2021
Personally my favourite "Australian way of life" is not dying in a natural disaster, but hey, maybe that's just me.— Matilda Boseley (@MatildaBoseley) October 26, 2021
The coalition plan on climate change is to do fuck all. Labor’s keeping theirs a secret, presumably so they can finesse it to be as close to fuck all without being actually fuck all just before the election so nobody really notices and the whole business is quite depressing.— Jon “Fungible Airships” Kudelka (@jonkudelka) October 26, 2021
My plan to lose my lockdown kilos is also based on existing policies.— grug stan (@grugstan) October 26, 2021
All this time to wait for a 15 page slide set with literally nothing new in it…..— Laura Tingle (@latingle) October 26, 2021
good lookin' plan u got there there scott (???) pic.twitter.com/lwjD7Z9nBx— corgi (@courtwhip) October 26, 2021
well, I guess it is pretty obvious why Scott Morrison kept this plan a secret until now. I'd not be showing anyone something this embarrassing either.— Patrick (@rtapkics) October 26, 2021
Listening to Scott Morrison you get the idea that a plan has a plan, which is planned to plan. Make no mistake, it's a plan for plannings sake to plan for plans for all of us. Ya know?— Grasshopper (@50ftwoman1) October 26, 2021
I don’t know about you, but I’m coming out of this unveiling feeling like I’ve been gaslit by a Windows ClipArt PowerPoint presentation where Clippy keeps showing up and asking, “Wow, looks like you’re trying to write a plan, here!”
Perhaps Scott Morrison truly believed that if he said “plan” enough times, our eyes would just glaze over and we’d all nod approvingly so we wouldn’t notice said plan doesn’t really have anything new, relies on some kind of technology that wasn’t ever really specified in the plan, and includes our “unique way of life” which apparently means the continued use of mining and heavy industries in regional areas.
Truly baffling stuff, this.