Satan Has Weighed In On Nic Cage’s Newest Film

The movie business is a tough gig, particularly once the cameras have stopped rolling. It might be hard work actually making the film, but it’s even harder marketing it and getting people to come sit in theatre seats to watch it. Film posters have long included quotes from critics – people who regular people trust to just good movies – in order to help sell a film’s quality. But soon, that got out of hand. With more critics than ever before, it’s now not so much a task of accurately reviewing the film, as it is trying to provide the right pull quote for the film poster.

So what happens when you simply run out of quality critics from which to pull quotes from? You go to the underground. The deep underground.
Nic Cage [pause for hushed awe] has a new instalment in his Library of Congress-worth filmography emerging soon, going by the title of Left Behind. The film – an adaptation of the series of books of the same name – answers that long-burning question, “What if God took all the Righteous Christians to Heaven and left the rest of the sinners to die on Earth?” A question that you’ve clearly lost many hours of sleep on over the years.
But who exactly do you get to provide a quote for the poster of that movie? Easy! The Prince of Darkness himself, SATAN *cue: lightning bolts, purple clouds, O Fortuna*
So Beelzebub is challenging “unbelievers” to attend the film and finally be converted due to the film showing them the light, or Satan is a dry, sardonic bastard of a reviewer and is commenting on how more discerning film fans will receive this latest cinematic treat.
The film also stars Chad (Freakin’) Michael (Freakin’) Murray, and ‘Straya’s own Nicky Whelan.
It looks like a steaming turd.

Well, a steaming turd saved from oblivion by the presence of Nic Cage.
Because, y’know… It’s goddamned Nic Cage.
Left Behind comes out in a couple of days in the USA. Get ready for some rapture.
Photo: Ethan Miller via Getty Images.