Russia’s Trying To Train Military Whales ‘Cos The World Needs Bond Villains

Here’s some wonderful news from a wonderful world that’s full of good, calming things that haven’t been ripped straight from the pages of a pulp novel from 1962.
Oh wait – no. The opposite of that. 
According to the Siberian Times, Russia has been training a number of marine mammals to do its bidding in military operations. 
Apparently the Russian navy has been testing the suitability of seals, dolphins and white whales (the small cute ones, not the Moby Dick ones) for Arctic military roles. 
Some of these roles include “guard entrances to naval bases” and “assist deep water divers and if necessary kill any strangers who enter their territory“.
also this, presumably
Unfortunately it turns out that the white whales don’t love hanging out in the Arctic, so they’re probably off the assassin list. 
You know what makes a real ruthless killer though? 
don’t act surprised
“These animals are very strong with good guarding reactions,” a Russian TV program reported. “Even after a one year break in training the seal will keep all oral commands in its memory.

“If the seal receives a special signal, it can block or kill an underwater saboteur.”
Well that’s just wonderful. It’s not like there are any recent unprovoked seal-on-human attacks on record anywa–

Source: Siberian Times.
Image: Wolfgang Steiner / Getty.