Just when you thought it was safe to go back to SeaWorld, it’s emerged that as part of Russia’s takeover of the Crimea region of Ukraine, they have assumed control over Ukraine’s military dolphin unit. Dolphins. Actual dolphins. That have been trained for military purposes. And now Russia has them. We’re fucked, people.
The program has been in effect since the 60s and has seen dolphins trained to attack military scuba divers and attach buoys to mines. But a more alarmist view of things would be to say that dolphins are being trained to survive outside the water in preparation for a glorious land invasion that will overthrow all Western society with their superior organisational skills and tail whipping abilities.
An anonymous employee of the marine facility, who we assume insisted on anonymity for fear of being thrown in the tank as training bait, explained that “The oceanarium’s engineers are developing new instruments for new applications to boost the operational efficiency of the dolphins underwater,” because improving dolphins efficiency in underwater settings is absolutely a sane and necessary decision to make.
And if all this isn’t scary enough, the program is also training things called “combat sea lions” which is just about the most terrifying three word combination the English language is capable of.
The squadron’s leader, Sergeant Snorky, could not be reached for questioning. However a small team of western journalists were lead into a test facility, where a dolphin in full combat gear reared up and shot what appeared to be an intense burst of green flame out of its blowhole, which melted a sizeable hole in a nearby concrete wall.
The U.S. has immediately issued its response, condemning the actions of the unit, and has fired back by staging a public parade through downtown Dallas, showcasing its vast arsenal of hoops, balls and fish buckets as it prepares to launch its counter-offensive known only as “Operation: Free Willy by any means necessary“.
Photo: U.S. Navy via Getty Images.
