A couple in Sydney found an alive redback spider in their punnet of grapes. Just writing that sentence induced a full body shudder in me so powerful it could kill said redback spider. As Gemma Collins once said, “it’s hell in there, it’s horror”.

It was clearly time for a remix of classic banger ‘The Redback On The Toilet Seat’ by Slim Newton.

A man called Phil Bonjovi (coolest name ever!! coolest name EVER!!) told 9News.com.au that he scored the spider grapes from a Woolies in north-west Sydney in late January.

His wife put the grapes in the fridge and then spotted the spider in the morning.

“She put the box straight out of the front door when she saw it,” he said.

“She’s not a big fan of spiders.”

If it had been me who discovered a redback in my grapes, I too would have flung the punnet outside with enough velocity to break the sound barrier.

According to 9News, Woolies gave Bonjovi a refund.

“They apologised, there’s not much else they could do,” he said.

“They did keep asking if there was anything else we needed, I said ‘no’. The staff were great through the process.”

In fairness, it’s not like Woolies is putting spiders in the grapes (I assume).

Can I say though, I think this would be a great origin story for new Australian Spider-Man. Imagine: bitten by an escaped lab spider (not an actual redback, please) stowed away in the punnet of grapes you’re bringing to your best mate’s barbecue.

What a way to enter the sexy man leagues of Tom HollandTobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield.

Woolies told 9News that it was working on the spider issue.

“We take food safety very seriously and are working closely with our suppliers on this industry-wide issue, to ensure the quality of grapes are up to our standards when packed,” a spokesperson said.

The spider-grape situation seems to be something of a recurring issue. Last week, two customers said they found spiders in their Coles grapes. It’s good to see that spiders don’t have a grocery shop preference, at least.

The spiders were found in Runaway Bay on the Gold Coast and Tweed City which is south of the Queensland border.

Likes Woolies, Coles said it was an industry-wide issue. Redback spiders apparently like to hide in crops. It’s really not the ideal place for hide and seek if you ask me, but then again I’m not a spider.

“All Coles suppliers are required to keep their fields clean and have pest control systems in place to prevent product contamination during packaging,” a spokesperson told News.com.au.

One of the spiders was spotted by a man called Andrew Bell. He told 9News.com.au his daughter came across the “very much alive” redback.

“She was just munching away at them, and she just saw this redback,” he said.

“The last thing you’re expecting is a goddamn redback in the grapes.”

Ah, Australia. Where there might be venomous arachnids vibing on your fruit. Greatest country in the world!

Obviously redbacks are really dangerous so maybe keep an eye out for any creepy crawlies on your grape snacks.

And if you find one, make sure to a) get rid of it and b) sing ‘The Redback In The Grape Punnet’ as you do so.

Image: 9News.com.au