The concept of owning four walls and a roof is pretty farfetched for us young Australians. Even the dregs of our nation’s dwellings are disgustingly over-priced because of that prickly bastard dubbed the “housing bubble”.
Due to current public opinion, it’s only natural for some to think you’re rather masochistic if you frequently suss pads that are luxurious enough to give you an instant erection/get you so wet you could drown a toddler in your underwear. I, for one, would like to tell you that lusting after multi-million dollar estates is a perfectly normal thing to do – it’s like combing Backyard Blitz and BDSM, and boy-oh-boy, do I like the way grand homesteads trim their hedges.
It’s all in the chase, people. It’s all about wanting what you can’t have, but having the knowledge that you kinda could have it if you work your ass of 24/7. Let me remind you that there are people who are not only in a position to purchase the houses listed below, but who can also afford TO FUCKING UPGRADE TO A BETTER PLACE THAN THE ONE THEY’RE SELLING.
So, if you’re reading this at your desk or on your way home from uni, and you’re wondering if all your hard work is worth it, then let the following serve as motivation for your hustle. Go chase those phat-stacks, kick down doors and make enough money to one day purchase a pad as nek-level as these ones.
BEHOLD, AUSSIE PROPERTY LISTINGS THAT DOUBLE AS MASTURBATION MATERIAL:
BELLAGIO – BOWRAL, NSW 2576
6 BEDROOMS // 7 BATHROOMS // 10 CARPARKS
Photo: Di Jones Real Estate.
True estates don’t have addresses, they have names – just like this hot lil’ mama, Bellagio. Admittedly, not having an address does get in the way of physically finding the place, but who gives a shit when the purchaser will be able to enjoy: five acres of land, private and interconnecting lakes, a FUCKING MAN-MADE GROTTO, several fountains, grand formal rooms, a custom-fitted library, and grass so plush you’ll spend most of your day rolling around on it.
It has, “we’re just nipping down to Bellagio this weekend, darling,” vibes to it – and we’re really feeling those vibes.
Access the full listing on Di Jones Real Estate HERE.
8TH FLOOR / 150 CLAREDON ST, EAST MELBOURNE, VIC 3002
4 BEDROOMS // 4 BATHROOMS // 4 CARPARKS
Photo: Realestate.com.au.
One way to tell the world you’re essentially shitting out disposable income is to have not one, but two, heavily marble-based kitchens. You can kinda fathom why a huge estate would have two kitchens, they’d probably both get a work-out when 20+ people come to visit – but for an apartment, it’s a bit obscene.
Combine two kitchens with ~spectacular~ views of Fitzroy Gardens + Melbourne’s skyline, as well as a rumpus room with connected WINE BAR, and you’ve got yourself a darn-decent dwelling.
Access the full listing on Realestate.com.au HERE.
383 MANDALAY RD, WHITSUNDAYS QLD 4802
7 BEDROOMS // 9 BATHROOMS // 5 CARPARKS
Photo: Realestate.com.au.
HELICOPTER PAD. IT HAS A HELICOPTER PAD.
THAT IS ALL.
GOODBYE.
Access the full listing on Realestate.com.au HERE.
SWEETWATER WINES – POKOLBIN NSW 2320
8 BEDROOMS // 10 BATHROOMS // 6 CARPARKS
Photo: Realestate.com.au.
If sipping vino on the porch of your very own mediterranean vista is something that gets your nipples harder than diamonds, then this might just be the property for you. Conveniently, you’ll be able to drink wine to your heart’s content as this 122-acre property is also one of our nation’s eldest vineyards. We believe this selling point will hold a lot of weight with the wealthy housewife mob, who are know for their proclivity toward emotional, “only wine will solve this,” crises.
The property also has its own day spa, which’ll really help staving off the stresses involved with owning such a vast amount of land.
Access the full listing on Realestate.com.au HERE.
MERRICKS NORTH, VIC 3926
8 BEDROOMS // 10 BATHROOMS // 6 CARPARKS
Photo: Realestate.com.au.
In today’s episode of The Farmer Wants A Big Ol’ Fuck Off Huge Block Of Land, this massive Victorian property is up for grabs. Yes, if milking the cows followed by a quick game of tennis sounds like your kinda thang, then this place will be a great homestead for you.
This estate is where two grand fireplaces came to settle down in 1999. Their love blossomed into a furious flame, chiefly fuelled by a thriving sex life. Subsequently, they gave birth to several more fireplaces. They are all very happy.
Other features include: an indoor plunge pool, gym area + steam room, a gated carriageway, a self-contained guest cottage and 17 paddocks.
Access the full listing on Realestate.com.au HERE.
There you have it folks. These places only scratch the surface of the cooked abodes for sale on our little island nation this month, so there’ll be plenty available by the time you’ve made enough paper to buy a crib similar to these. Keep on hustling guys – WE BELIEVE IN YOU.
Photo: Di Jones Real Estate.
