Melbourne. Our trains only go 60km an hour, but boy have they got character. Each line tells a different story, and everyone has met an absolute gremlin on their local train line at one point or another. But what Melbourne train lines reign supreme? I have taken it upon myself to rank them and yes, it’s going to be controversial.

13. Craigieburn

I’m sorry to say but Craigieburn comes in dead last for me. Now, that’s not strictly because Broadmeadows is on the line. The view from this line is atrocious and when the only other thing you have to look is your typical run-of-the-mill eshay, it’s pretty grim.

12. Sandringham

(Image: Pt4me2)

Sandringham is a terrible line, there I said it! There are barely any stations on it, so it just feels unfinished. It also departs from that weird 13th platform at Flinders Street Station, which feels a bit like a shitty platform 9 3/4 quarters for white-collar snobs. The worst part is that this line NEVER runs through the City Loop, so you’re always having to get off at Flinders and change trains. Ew. This line also has some of the oldest, mankiest platforms in Melbourne. I’m sorry but Balaclava station has no right to have a platform that thin and short.

11. Werribee

Man sets fire to seats at Laverton station (Image: YouTube)

Don’t get me wrong I love the western suburbs, but the views from this train line are absolute dog shit. Like Craigeburn, you’re either looking at acres of flat land, or a run down corner shop. No, thanks.

10. Alamein

(Image: Facebook/ Rompa Stompaz)

Alamein is probably the most pointless train line in Melbourne. Rich people don’t take public transport, hello! Also, half the time this line terminates at Camberwell, which is such a headache. Can you imagine being trapped in Camberwell around all those upper-class elitists? That would be hell on Earth.

9.Upfield

If you cut this line off at Brunswick, it would be alright. But unfortunately that’s not the case. The view from the Upfield line is absolutely rubbish (except when it goes over Flemington Bridge) and it goes to butt-fuck nowhere. Thank you, next.

8. Pakenham/Cranbourne

(Image: Real Estate Industry Partners)

As Hannah Montana once said “you get the best of both worlds”, and you truly do with this train line: you get both Pakenham and Cranbourne. I have caught this train many times and while it will always hold a place in my heart, it’s WAY too packed. Catch this train during peak hour and you are guaranteed to be squished right up against some dude’s gross ponytail. Yuck. Not only is this line insanely busy, the train platforms themselves are so ICK. I’m sorry but Westall station is by far the ugliest station I’ve ever seen. It feels like something out of the movie Gattacca, it’s creepy and desolate.

7. Belgrave/Lilydale

(Image: VRI Lilydale)

This is a very middle-of-the-road train line, not much going on, but it doesn’t suck entirely either. However, the one redeeming feature of this train line is the secret pub located inside the platform at Lilydale station. Totally epic! *tips fedora*.

6. Williamstown

This line is bougie as hell, and not in an annoying way like Sandringham. This line actually has some damn flavour. You’ve got Seddon, Yarraville and Newport…fancy. My only qualm with this line is that there aren’t enough stations on it. Ten stations (not including the City Loop), piss weak if you ask me.

5. Glen Waverley

Commuters on the Glen Waverley line (Image: Scott Barbour/Getty Images)

This line is full of school children and normies, but the views are pretty gnarly. Generally speaking, you usually don’t find chaotic people on the Glen Waverley line. Although I can’t say I’ve been on this line in the wee hours of the morn or late at night, so it could be a very different story.

4. Sunbury

Suns out, guns out on one of Melbourne’s more colourful train lines. I dig the Sunbury line because it has all the Footscray’s: Footscray Station, Middle Footscray Station and West Footscray Station. It’s just screaming for a 2015-era ‘Which Footscray station are you based on your personality?’ internet quiz. All-in-all it’s a pretty chaotic line, but I do love mess.

3. Hurstbridge

This is a very pretty line and has arguably some of the best passenger views. However, it’s not always very reliable and that’s just not good enough PTV (not to be confused with P.TV, which is Pedestrian.TV).

(For non-Victorians: PTV stands for Public Transport Victoria).

2. Mernda

(Image: Facebook/ Rompa Stompaz)

I LOVE THIS LINE SO MUCH. It usually runs on time, it’s on that snazzy platform one at Flinders Street Station and you get excellent views of nature on this line. Mernda also hosts some of my favourite train stations, like Collingwood and Northcote (and yes I am an inner city lefty, thanks for asking). It’s such a good line, but nothing can ever top number one.

1. Frankston

Frankston train station shops (Image: Michael Dodge/Getty Images)

Yep, that’s right I think Frankston is the best train line in Melbourne. No, I am not insane. I just really love this train line A LOT. So here’s why:

  • It seamlessly blends both the rich, yuppy suburbs with the crime capitals of Melbourne.
  • You get excellent beach side views from the window.
  • Southland Shopping Centre (!!!) has its very own station (!!!!)
  • The new underpasses at Bentleigh, Ormond and McKinnon stations are pure GENIUS and SO much nicer than those ugly skyrail stations.
  • There’s always something fun happening: whether it be petty theft or someone passed out in their own urine, you’re always guaranteed a good time.
  • There are a glorious 27 stations on this train line (not including the City Loop) and you’ve also got the option of hopping on the Stony Point line from Frankston station.
  • A trip on the Frankston line is truly the perfect day out IMO.

Next time you catch the train, take in that sweet smell of piss and beer, and admire the barf-worthy print on the seats. Our trains might not be pretty, but they are just that…ours.

Image: Public Transport Victoria