Time to sound the biggest gong we have: we have been blessed with yet another Huge Snake Yarn. We might be a little bit more desensitised to snakes than a lot of other countries, but that still doesn’t stop the visceral shit-me-out-of-my-own-ass-and-fuck-off sensation of being reminded just how big these ridiculous fuckers can get.
Cast your gaze upon this incredible beast, who I shall be referring to for the rest of the article as Fangs McFuck.
Pictured: Not a small snake. (Photo: QPS)
Fangs McFuck was found by two Queensland Police Service officers doing a night patrol around Wujul Wujul (a few hours’ drive north of Cairns) when they noticed the massive, undulating body of a basilisk-esque serpent obstructing the road.
Showing a level of compassion that cops do not consistently demonstrate to human beings, the officers stopped to allow McFuck to finish crossing the road, driven as he was by the nearly universal instinct to get away from uniformed law enforcement personnel as quickly as possible.
McFuck appears to be a scrub python roughly several hundred metres in length (slight exaggeration, maybe). Scrub pythons are the sixth largest species of snake in the world, with some specimens reportedly coming in at an absolutely baffling 8.5 metres in length. Nature is fucked up.
David Walton from Cairns Snake Removals told the ABC that Fangs McFuck appears to be somewhere between five and six metres long and that it was wise of the officers to choose not to try to handle the beast:
If they decided they were going to touch it or physically interfere with it, then you’re sort of putting yourself in danger. Certainly if you were to attempt to pick it up or grab it or poke it with a stick they can swing around quite quickly and if he grabs hold of you, you’re in all sorts of trouble.
He added that specimens of this size are pretty hard to come by:
These days we don’t see them getting that big in more of the built-up areas, because it’s pretty easy to get sprung when you’re that big.
For a snake to be lucky enough to live long enough to get to that size is reasonably rare, because they often get themselves run over or captured or killed.
I wish Fangs McFuck nothing but the best as he continues to evade death – as long as he stays the fuck away from me.
