Another day, another royal scandal. We usually don’t care for those messy British bitches who love drama but this time, a teapot filled with English Breakfast has been spilled and we cannot help but be intrigued. Prince Charles personally accepted bags containing millions of euros in cash from the former prime minister of Qatar. Quel scandale!

According to my calculations (and current conversion rates) that’s more than AU$4.5 million, which is a lot of lettuce.

Prince Charles was said to have accepted three lots of cash from Sheikh Hamad bin Jassim bin Jaber Al Thani and on each occasion, he received a tidy €1 million, or just over AU$1.5 million.

But what is particularly funny and bizarre is that the Sheikh handed these stonking wads of cash to him in various bags: a suitcase, a holdall and a few carrier bags from the luxury department store Fortnum & Mason, which supplies Charlie’s household with groceries.

A suitcase? Shopping bags that Australians buy when they’re holidaying in London so they can use them in Coles when they get back home? I expected a far more sophisticated operation from two obscenely wealthy men.

Give me drama, give me intrigue! Storm Clarence House — where Charlie lives and where one of the secret handover meetings was said to have taken place — with a Trojan horse full of cash. Hide the money in one of those ginormous hats the Queen’s Guards wear. Don’t be scared to get creative.

Two of Charles’ advisers were said to have hand-counted the dough in the suitcase, which I can only imagine would have been a horrendously intimidating operation. I still have nightmares where I’m working at my old retail job and need to count the till but the float is off by $3 and then I wake up in a cold sweat.

According to the report, palace aides were said to have asked the royal family’s private bank, Coutts, to deposit the cash into the Prince of Wales’s Charitable Fund.

In a statement, a Clarence House spokesperson said: “Charitable donations received from Sheikh Hamad bin Jassim were passed immediately to one of the prince’s charities, who carried out the appropriate governance and have assured us that all the correct processes were followed.”

Look, processes or no processes, there’s something fishy about receiving millions of euros in charity donations from a Qatari politician, who handed the cash to you in bags. It’s giving Prince Andrew saying he was at Pizza Express in Woking.

Source: Getty Images / Chris Jackson - Pool