I Tried Out Premium Underwear For A Week To See If It Would Make Me And My Balls Happier

School teaches us many things, such as how to discreetly Beyblade ‘cos it was banned for some reason, and how to write BOOBS on your calculator lmao. But for all the wisdom it bestows, it’s sorely lacking in many crucial areas. 

For one, I never learned how to do my taxes, or grow my own food in prep for the inevitable impending apocalypse. But perhaps most importantly, I don’t recall one single teacher sitting me down and telling me just how much good undies would change my life.

See, I was once a simple man with simple tastes. I liked my beer cold, my TV loud, and my undies cheaper than discount day-old Russian roulette sushi.

I used to buy those cheap-ass multipacks and just wear those. I mean, it’s just underwear, right? It all does basically the same thing. 

A fool I was. Because last week, everything changed. 

And by that, I mean Champion sent me their new range of premium underwear to try out.

According to Champion, “The C Gear collection is made up of stylish, seamfree trunks which are available in five classic Champion colours; black, white, blue, red and grey — priced at just $34.99”.

Pffft, “just”. Okay bruv, I’m not spending that much on one pair of underwear, but go off. Lucky for me, these were free. I gotta admit, I did quite like the colours, and they definitely felt ‘premium’ to touch. Okay Champion, colour me intrigued. I’ll try your bougie-ass undies.

Man, let me tell you, when I slid those red Champions up my legs and snugly into place, I felt like Peter Parker putting on the Spiderman suit for the first time. I felt supreme comfort, I felt aerodynamic, I felt powerful.

And just like that, I was a changed man; an enlightened man. For I had seen the light, and there was no going back.

From that moment on, life felt better. Everything felt like it was falling into place. The sun shone bright, all the birds sang, and my balls felt the support of ultimate human design triumph.

Champion says their Australian design team “have expertly crafted this collection with their unique RIBstabilizer technology to keep bounce in check.” — and friends, believe me, the bounce was well and truly, in check.

Every aspect of my life just felt better. Everyday tasks like cooking and cleaning were elevated experiences, for I was an elevated man. It makes sense when you think about it. The Egyptians knew that you can’t build a pyramid without a solid base, and when it comes to comfort, your underwear is the foundation upon which all extra layers of comfort are built upon.

What’s the point of comfy trackies if you’re wearing cheap underwear that rides up, feels loose, or doesn’t adequately support your balls? The guy at the bus stop wouldn’t answer my question, but he didn’t need to. I already knew the answer.

Champion says this range is “a new innovation for men’s underwear”, with each pair in the collection featuring “a two-way stretch waistband alongside a 3D support pouch for the ultimate comfortable fit that still gives you freedom to move. Crafted from recycled nylon yarn with mesh panels for breathable zones and moisture-wicking”. 

And honestly, they nailed the whole freedom-to-move brief. I basically felt like Flanders in his ski suit the whole time.

Look, I hate to be a brand simp, but the only problem I’ve had since getting these undies is having to do laundry more frequently so I didn’t have to go too long without wearing them again.

Before I depart, let me add that I really put these undies through their paces, from marathon Horizon Forbidden West sessions to sweaty runs along the Yarra, from beers with mates to awkward Tinder dates. From long days sitting at a desk in the office, to the couch at home — you get the point, they did what they said on the tin in every situation. 

So, all I can say to you, random person on the internet, is if you’re a human being looking for some -ahem- added comfort down there, look no further.

The collection comes in sizes S to XXL and is available online and in Champion stores across Aus and NZ.