Here is the full extent of opinion that I feel compelled to share regarding the election result: I did not like it. You are free to agree or disagree with that as much as you like. On the spectrum of take temperatures, this take is not a particularly hot one. But there are many, many more takes out there and, boy oh boy, do the takes get hot.

For once — and I never thought I’d say this — News Corp isn’t the winner on the ‘weird opinion piece’ front, with the opinion section of The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald taking the cake by far based on a strong showing today.

Under the headline “I’m young, I voted Liberal and I am not a bigot“, the SMH published a very confusing piece from a Melbourne voter whose sole thesis (as the headline suggests) was that they voted for the Liberal Party and, apparently, are not a bigot. You might expect an article like this to explain the policy offerings that made them opt to vote for the Libs, but instead they just listed some of the historical achievements of conservative parties in Australia:

I would like our nation to take a collective deep breath and hear me out, please. I would like to remind Australians of policies and laws that the “right” have enacted. In hope it might quell the fear experienced in the present.

As an example of how the Australian right hasn’t been a negative influence on politics, they mention the Howard government’s gun reform, while failing to mention that it was that same government that changed the Marriage Act to specifically exclude same-sex couples. This doesn’t stop them from later giving credit for marriage equality to the Liberal Party, who put the decision to the people rather than legislating it themselves and even ignored the vote when it didn’t suit their beliefs. Strange.

Mamamia published an almost identical take to this, except from someone who did it explicitly out of self-interest (“OPINION: Today, I finally don’t have to feel ‘ashamed’ about voting Liberal.“):

I consider myself pretty open minded. My son is biracial and my husband is an Indian immigrant. I grew up in the cultural melting pot known as Campbelltown in NSW and still live there. I have a degree or two, for whatever that’s worth, and I have been known to get pretty heated in my defence of racial, sexuality and gender equality. So for those who buy into the stereotypes, my vote for the Liberal Party was pretty shocking.

. . .

I have a son. I have a home. I have an investment property and I have a small business. In order to help anyone I need to make sure I can help myself and my family first. I need to make sure my son continues to have a house to live in before I fight for the planet he lives on. In order to do that I had to make the choice that kept those things safe. That was a vote for Liberal. 

Just as long as that house isn’t too low to the water, I guess.

In yet another strong showing for stunningly conviction-free centrism, I present “So your side lost? Just accept it gracefully” from columnist Aubrey Perry:

Because that’s what democracy is, give and take. You don’t get to have it your way 100 per cent of the time.

And when it’s not your way, spitting the dummy and setting the internet on fire with scathing personal attacks on people who think differently than you do only serves to disrespect the very system that affords you the freedoms you enjoy, and it breaks down the fabric of community.

Interestingly enough, here’s an excerpt from an article she wrote in 2016 about how she felt she had to confront her parents for their political beliefs:

It’s a decision I don’t take lightly, one with repercussions that will be felt long after this election, and one that affects my daughter, too, who isn’t old enough to make this choice herself. My mother is in her 60s, my dad in his 70s. They won’t be around forever. But the hate they sow could be.

By ignoring racism, xenophobia, and misogyny within our families, we are accepting it within our culture.

To ignore is to accept.

It’s almost like if something deeply contravenes your values, you’ll fight for them? Odd.

But neither of these are the real MVP from The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald. Rather, it’s this one which, well… look:

The Post-Election Takes Are Coming In & They Are Just Scorching HotPictured: Righto.

The article was specifically in response to Tanya Plibersek’s decision not to run for the Labor Party leadership, saying that she couldn’t “reconcile the important responsibilities I have to my family with the additional responsibilities of the Labor leadership“.

Enter Jenna Price:

If that was true, that she really wanted to be with her kids, I knew what I had to do in the national interest.

I rang her office. They wouldn’t put me through, no matter how insistent I was. I said I had an important message on behalf of Australians.

Unkindly, the young man who took my call laughed at me. Then, I’m pretty sure he put it on loudspeaker and asked me to repeat my generous offer. The entire Plibersek office was laughing at me. He promised to pass my message on to Tanya. I still haven’t heard anything but Tanya, if you are reading this, the offer still stands. My own children are grown and not too deranged. Those are my excellent caring credentials.

Unfortunately, the sad reality of the situation is that the Labor leadership is going to be a toss-up between a number of almost identical men.

This list isn’t entirely without a showing from News Corp, though. News.com.au swung their way in with a post-election wrap-up collating the collective “fury” of “celebs”, listing off angry or disappointed tweets from prominent Australian figures.

Because, of course, appealing to racists is one of the better ways to get traffic in Australia, they decided to lead the story with the person they love to hate the most, Yassmin Abdel-Magied:

Pretty odd considering that she left the country quite a while ago because of News Corp running stories exactly like this on a near-daily basis, and that the full extent of her remarks was that it was going to be a long three years. A query about this prompted an utterly bizarre response from one of their senior journalists:

What a strange company.

Oh god this is only week one after the election.

Image: Getty Images / Brook Mitchell