A NSW Council Put Up A Christmas Tree So Dogshit It’d Make Santa Hang Up His Red Hat For Good

Michael Scott dressed as Santa Claus in The Office with text that says "this does not jingle my bells"

Christmas trees are a unique phenomenon in that they can so easily look shithouse. One wrong move with the tinsel or the lights and they can resemble a bedazzled loo brush rather than an iconic, festive and green home for presents. Case in point the Christmas tree which Port Macquarie Hastings Council in New South Wales unveiled on Friday — a piece of greenery so fugly, it genuinely wouldn’t surprise me to hear it was bought off Wish.

Journalist Andrew Macfarlane shared a photo of the monstrosity to Twitter. Look at it.

It’s hideous! It’s unnatural! God’s a bastard!

I have genuinely been staring at that photo for the past 10 minutes, mouth agape like a flounder, wondering what to say about it. I am literally begging my brain to gift me a witty remark, a real bazinga, but there has been no movement at the station. It’s not often that I, a professional writer, am lost for words but I am speechless.

Perhaps a picture really does speak a thousand words. That clump of lights hanging off the side of the tree like a turd that refuses to detach from a cat’s asshole surely constitutes at least 300 words. The random assortment of baubles is probably around the 190 mark, and I’m going to give the ominous purple sky a solid 200 words thanks to the sinister ambiance it’s created. This leaves a good 310 words for the final product, which truly doesn’t feel like enough.

Per news.com.au, the despondent tree was unveiled at the council’s annual Christmas Fair. The moment the tree’s lights were switched on was meant to be an important occasion, almost like a budget version of the flame lighting ceremony at the Olympic Games.

Unfortunately, this is what it looked like. Twitter user Jack Begbie, we thank you for your service.

Side note: it is imperative that you watch the video with the sound on.

The voice saying, “Here we go!” with unbridled enthusiasm and the rapturous applause which is immediately followed by laughter has got to be a soundtrack for the ages. The weird triumphant music which wouldn’t be out of place in an Age of Empires loading screen was the cherry on top. Chef’s kiss.

Port Macquarie Hastings mayor Peta Pinson released a statement on Monday explaining why the tree looked like, well, that.

“In our efforts to deliver something a little different this year by decorating our natural pine tree, the weather worked against us,” she said.

“At the all-important lighting ceremony on Friday, we all discovered at the same time that a number of lights had moved or failed to turn on as result of the bad weather, and we were sad to see our inflatable baubles had deflated — much like our spirits when the tree was lit.”

That fickle bastard known as “the weather” has officially gone too far. I’ve never seen La Niña and the Grinch in the same room together, I’m just saying.

Port Macquarie Hastings Council, kings and queens of self awareness, accepted the tree was down bad and even posted a meme about it to Facebook.

“So let’s be real. Our poor tree does look like it was decorated by Santa after he’s whizzed around the world and had too many eggnogs 🎅,” the post read.

“However, it began with the best of intentions, and our team did work hard to bring you this event, despite extraordinary winds yesterday afternoon — and rain threatening all day. And don’t forget — our magnificent and treasured pine tree was hit (like our cars!) in the hailstorm.

“Just like the rest of us — she’s battered and bruised, but she’s still standing🎄.”

But the people of Port Macquarie were not having it. By Jove did they sound off in the comments.

“I was told that there was no hail in town. Sooooo,” one person wrote. My tin foil hat is firmly on all the way from Perth.

“All I can say is wow! Christmas comes at the same time each year and the Hastings Council can’t even put a Christmas tree up. I understand there has been bad weather, but I mean come on. It isn’t even funny, it is a disgrace. What else can be expected from an inept council?” another said. Jinkies, tell us how you really feel!

Someone even responded to a comment from poor Mayor Pinson about beauty being in the eye of the beholder with: “Only if we all happen to be blind, apparently, this piece of embarrassing crap is just plain pathetic, only word for it, but you go right ahead and keep spriuking [sic] your pride at this monstrosity, the rest of us council rate payers will express our disgust at your poor effort.”

I honestly never knew Port Macquarie folks were so passionate about council-funded Christmas trees. I would literally give my right leg to sit in the next public forum just so I can hear people go off like a frog in a sock about how much they hated the hideous pine.

Praying the people of Port Macquarie get the awe-inspiring Christmas tree they so desire.