There are many reasons why a married politician might be inclined to shoot off a horny text to someone who is not their spouse or life partner. It’s a lonely job by its very nature, requiring many hours in Canberra and abroad, away from their loved ones, developing a thirst so powerful it can only be quenched through clumsy sexting. I’m neither endorsing nor condemning the path these men choose to walk. What I absolutely cannot accept any excuse for, however, is the appalling quality of horny text we as an electorate are compelled to endure.

Today’s big news throws the ancient art of parliamentary sexting into the headlines once again. Nationals MP Andrew Broad, possibly best known for being a campaigner against marriage equality, has resigned as a minister after New Idea revealed he met up with a sugar baby while on a work trip to Hong Kong. Despite the fact Amy says she made it clear in her profile that she was not interested in sex, Broad sent her messages saying he had “booked a flashy room to seduce [her] back to,” and kept grabbing her hand and putting it on his leg. Clearly, this far oversteps the consensual boundaries set by Amy for their dinner.

That’s all one thing. Another entirely is the text messages Broad apparently sent Amy before their rendezvous at the ritzy Hong Kong restaurant, which are a different kind of disgrace.

We Deserve A Better Class Of Horny Text From Our Elected Representatives
Source: New Idea

This is obviously only a tiny peek into one screen of the WhatsApp thread in question, and we should consider that a mercy. Even this small window into Broad’s lust-clouded brain is too much. To see it all would drive any of us mad.

Let’s deconstruct this:

I’m here to make make you laugh, ensure you feel safe in my company, make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the room… and then get you naked. 😉

This is what one might call a classic fake-out. It’s a terrible sexting technique with a rich history in dating app messages. You lead your sexting partner to believe that you are respectful and thoughtful of both their romantic desires and their basic humanity, and then you hit them with the flank: I’m going to see you nude. It’s the randy text equivalent of a king hit. Ending it with a deceptively wholesome winky face – not even the universally accepted ‘lustful winky face’ – merely furthers the disrespect.

Do you like Aussie accents? I’m a country guy so I know how to fly a plane, ride a horse, fuck my woman.

First of all, this skill trifecta establishes an unrealistic standard for country guys to meet. Knowing how to ride a horse and fuck is achievable, sure, but getting a pilot’s licence and proper instruction is expensive, and too out of reach for the average person to be considered an objective standard.

This sext also fails to escalate the conversation at a reasonable pace. Someone liking Australian accents does not naturally follow into flying, riding horses, and fucking. You need a second act in that caper.

Remarkably, Amy replies with her only message in this visible thread – “I love Aussie accents, I think they’re so sexy”. Then Broad drops the H-bomb, where the H stands for ‘horny’:

I pull you close, run my strong hands down your back, softly kiss your neck and whisper “G’day mate”

This message is illegal under international law. The United Nations was formed in 1945 with the express intention of creating a world in which such a message could not exist. Part of what makes it so troubling is that there’s no real way to tell where the joke ends and the thirst begins.

The phrase ‘G’day mate’ contains no sexual energy to speak of. It is sexually inert. It should not appear in any self-respecting sext.

Maybe it’s no surprise, then, that Amy does not reply to this message. So Broad responds at least a day later:

Good morning, how are you?

Terrible. Broad is putting himself on the back foot here. You’re not organising a business meeting here, mate. You’re cobbling together a followup to one of the worst sexually-adjacent messages ever sent. The elapsed time only makes it worse.

But then he ends it with the most underrated part of the entire exchange, a full three days later:

Hey I just got a big promotion at work

This is basically what an alien might send after having the concept of sugar babies explained to them. “Hey I just got a big promotion at work” is the sugar daddy equivalent of “Can I have a hug?” Just awful. Hit the showers, Andrew. You’re all over the shop.

Let’s not forget the end of the New Idea article, where Broad responds to his sexting scandal with the most dog act of all: freaking out and calling the cops. “I have been advised that the person making the allegation may have engaged in criminal activity,” Broad told New Idea. “This matter has been reported to the Australian Federal Police and I will not be making any further comment.” 

It shouldn’t be too much for us to ask that our politicians focus on the job at hand rather than indulging their lust. You’ve got a cruisy gig on the taxpayer’s dime, where you’re expected to do little more than attend your requisite engagements without veering wildly off course to Fuck City. But if you must make that detour… you’ve gotta do it properly – and respectfully. We deserve a better class of horny text from our elected representatives. Let the fall of Andrew Broad be a lesson.

Image: AAP