Police Hunt For Man Spotted Cranking His Eggplant During ‘The Emoji Movie’

New Jersey police are looking for a man who was spotted in the back row of a session of universally-panned children’s movie / capitalist brainwashing vehicle The Emoji Movie.

Why are they looking for him? Because he was masturbating, obviously.

The man is described as being heavyset and in his 20s or 20s. According to a local news outlet, a mum watching (/suffering through) the film with her children saw the bloke with pants unbuttoned and unzipped, and his hands shoved deep down ’em.

She told the theatre manager, who asked the emoji-eroticizer to leave. She also called the police when she got home – which means she would have sat through the entire rest of The Emoji Movie before doing so, in a move of frankly unprecedented stamina.

What drives a man to crank one out in the middle of a screening of the worst film of the year – a children’s film at that? We all appreciate the extra heft and meaning an emoji or two give to our messages (looking at you, my good friend Peach Emoji), but who loves them enough to be compelled to take hold of one’s own eggplant during a public screening?

The only logical answer is that we, as a society, have made this tragic monster. Just as we allowed the monstrosity that is The Emoji Movie to be made, so too have we allowed its passionate admirers to take their furious mazzing from the privacy of their own basements out on a jaunt to the pictures. Truly, ours is the darkest of timelines.