Firstly, just to get this bit of information out of the way: Yes, there is an unauthorised biopic being made about the life and career of Britney Spears. US cable TV channel Lifetime is doing it, and if their history with this sort of thing is anything to go by, it’s going to be historically shitful and the must-watch TV in the purest, truest sense of the phrase.
The two-hour TV movie will follow the “tumultuous true story of [Britney’s] rise to fame, fall from grace and triumphant resurrection.“
Spears herself has steadfastly and repeatedly denied any and all involvement with the project, standing about as far away from it as you could possibly imagine.
Cast in the role of Spears is Aussie actor Natasha Bassett, who has previously starred in TV series such as ‘Laid,’ ‘Rake,’ ‘Camp,’ as well as the recent Coen Brothers fillum ‘Hail, Caesar!‘
Got that all sorted? Ok. Prepare yourselves.
The first batch of press photos from the film have been released by Lifetime, and they are absolutely bloody unreal.
Just to ease into things, here’s Britney. By herself. No muss, no fuss.
it Birtney bithc.
How is that at once both a legit attempt to make someone look like Britney Spears and a rejected costume test from ‘Coyote Ugly‘? Sweet merciful hell.
But from there we start bringing in more figures from Britney’s life, and that’s the point where it goes from “a bit weird” to “utterly cooked.”
Firstly, there’s Britters and then-beau Justin Timberlake, looking like background extras in the opening shot of every high school teen film circa 2003:
Then there’s her blessed nuptials with Kevin Federline, which is less “promising teaser of upcoming film characters” as it is more “the stock photo that came with the frame.”
Finally, and this folks is the real main event of these proceedings, we have this group shot of the actors portraying the entire classic lineup of N*Sync.
I cannot stress enough how much of a wondrous gift this image is, dear friends. You think you might be ready to take it in, but you’ll never be truly ready.
Here they are. In all their glory.
Folks, it’s N*SYNC.
Lord have mercy, where to even begin?
The two-minute noodles resting gently on JT’s scone?
The fact that I only figured out the guy on the right is supposed to be JC Chasez by process of elimination? I think? Good lord, who knows.
That the guy they got to play Lance Bass looks like a low-rent Taran Killam got jammed in the bailer at his warehouse day-job?
No, you know what? Let’s focus on Joey Fatone‘s head.
Objectively? From a totally honest, unbiased, unemotional point-of-view?
That head is not good.
The phrase “bucket full of burnt LEGO” springs to mind.
The (again, very unauthorised) film is scheduled to premiere in 2017. Quite clearly, it’ll define a generation.